To not marry one of all the sexual prohibitions: To not indulge [we not indulge] in one of all of the [women forbidden by] sexual prohibitions — and they are the [close] relatives, a married woman and a menstruant — and even without intercourse, such as hugging and kissing and all that is similar to these evil acts that licentious ones, “that go after vanity and become vanity,” develop expertise about. As it is stated (Leviticus 18:6), “Any man shall not approach any of his own flesh, to reveal nakedness” — and its understanding is as if it stated, “Do not do any approaching, which is what causes and brings a person to reveal nakedness.” And so did they, may their memory be blessed expound (Sifra, Acharei Mot, Chapter 13:15, 21), “‘Shall not approach to reveal’ — I only have not to reveal. From where [do I know] not to approach? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘And to a woman in the impurity of her menstruation you shall not approach’ (Deuteronomy 18:19). I only have a menstruant with ‘do not [approach’ and ‘do not] reveal.’ From where [do I know] for all sexual prohibitions? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘do not approach to reveal.’” And there it is said, “‘And the souls that do, will be cut off’ (Deuteronomy 18:29) — lest you say they will be liable for excision with approaching alone. [Hence] we learn to say, ‘that do,’ and not ‘that approach.’”
And the negative commandment of this prohibition was repeated in its stating, “and you shall not do from any of [these] abominations” (Leviticus 18:26), which includes all of these matters which are an abomination to God, may He be blessed. [This] means to say, that one who does them distances himself from the good and removes from himself the providence of God, blessed be He. And this is the understanding of the abominable to the Lord, may He be blessed, in every place, according to that which I have heard. And also that which is written at the end of the matter, “for all of these abominations did the people of the land that were before you do” (Leviticus 18:27), “and I was disgusted with them” (Leviticus 20:23). And the matter is to say that the trait is very disgusting. And every thing that is bad and very vile, Scripture describes as if God, may He be blessed, hates. And it is all according to the matter that we said; and similar to what they, may their memory be blessed, said in every place (Mekhilta DeRabbi Yishmael 19:18:2), [it is] in order to break [to assuage] the ear to that which it can hear. And the language of Sifra, Acharei Mot, Section 8:8 is “‘Like the deed of the land of Egypt and like the deed of the land of Canaan, etc.’ (Leviticus 18:27) — perhaps they should not build or plant as they do? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘and in their statutes you shall not walk.’ I have only said those statutes which were instituted for them, and not their buildings. What did they do? A man would wed a man, and a woman, a woman; and a woman would wed two men.”
I have written in the Parshah of Vayishma Yitro in the negative commandment of “You shall not commit adultery” (Sefer HaChinukh 35) that which I have known about the root of distancing from licentiousness. And this commandment is also from that root — that we were prevented from approaching the sexual prohibition with any approach. As it is known that approaching is the cause of the revealing of nakedness (sexual transgression) — [which, in turn] draws (finds) several mishaps and several losses, as I wrote there. However that reason will [only] suffice for a married woman. But for relatives, we still need another reason. And in the warning (prohibition) of the nakedness of the mother (Sefer HaChinukh 190), we shall write that which we shall know about it.
From the laws of the commandment is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Avot 3:13; Avot D'Rabbi Natan 2) about this for a fence, and that is that a man not motion with his hand nor hint with eyes to one of the sexual prohibitions, nor to joke with them at all. And it is even forbidden to smell perfume that is on them; and not to gaze at women at all, and even at a bride — with the intention to derive pleasure. And they forbade to stare even at their small finger. [This is] besides the wife of a man, as it is permitted for him to gaze at her beauty, and even while she is still menstruant, as she will be permitted to him later. And there is an assumption about an Israelite that his impulse is given over to his hand (under control) in an example like this, that is dependent upon time. And it is specifically at the revealed places upon her that they permitted to stare while she is still a menstruant, but not at the covered [places] so that his evil impulse not cover (overcome) him.
And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Berakhot 24a) that it is forbidden to stare even at the hair of a woman that is forbidden to him. And even to hear her voice with the intention to derive pleasure from it is forbidden. And even to stare at the colored clothes of a woman — meaning to say, beautiful clothes, the way of which is to make them from colored fabric — is forbidden, so long as he knows the woman that wears them, since by seeing the garment, he will come to have improper thoughts about her. And they also distanced [us] that we should not ask about the welfare of a married woman at all, and even through her husband (Kiddushin 70b and Tosafot s.v. ein shoelin).
And there are many details of the distancings that they warned about this matter, but the general principle of the matter is that a man should not do anything in the world that brings him to improper thoughts about women — not in action, not in speech and not with any hint to bring close the weak mind of a woman to his mind — except for only his wife. And like this matter did the prophet rebuke the men of his generation, in his saying to them (Jeremiah 5:8), “each one is neighing at his neighbor’s wife” — meaning to say, according to their way that they appear as if they do not intend this, they hint to the wives of their neighbors hints of adultery, and raise their voices in such a way that these women should listen to them and their impulse be aroused towards love of the adulterer. And it is not from the possible to say [all of] the details of the matters that a man will know to do to bring the mind of a woman, which is weak, close to him. And therefore they, may their memory be blessed, [only] mentioned a few of them. But with the rest, each and every one should be careful to guard himself according to what he finds with his person, “as the Lord sees to the heart.”
And in any case, according to what appears from all that they, may their memory be blessed, have warned us, a man is not permitted to budge from their good teaching. And even if he finds himself a little devoid of desire, he should not say, “Since I find myself so, what do I care if I stare at women, since I know about myself that my impulse will not be aroused by this” — as many have said like this and stumbled. And about this, they, may their memory be blessed, hinted when they said (Sukkah 52a) that the impulse is very weak at first and continues to [grow until it] greatly overpower[s] a man. And you, my son, be very careful about this and do not let your impulse promise you [that it will not overpower you], even if it gives you a thousand pledges. And that which you find a few stories in the Gemara that appear to contradict these words of mine — meaning to say that a few of them were not concerned about even that which our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, forbade with women — this is not a contradiction to my words at all. As they were only a little lenient in the place of a commandment, as we found with Rabbi Yochanan who would sit at the gates of the [place of] immersion in order that the women would stare at him and give birth to sons as beautiful as he (Berakhot 20a), but he did not stare at them, God forbid; and Rebbi, and Rav Acha, who would take a bride on his shoulders for a commandment, as he did this in order to have her rejoice (Ketuvot 17a); and a few matters similar to this.
And also as they, may their memory be blessed, were like angels, as they had no other occupation — even for a short time — besides Torah and the commandments; and their intention was famous to the whole world like the sun; and they would not feel any evil feeling about anything, due to their great clinging to the Torah and the commandments. But we now should not even breach a small fence in these matters at all, but rather guard all of the distancings that they, may their memory be blessed, informed us [about] in particular. And regarding that which they did not mention, each and every one should do according to that which he finds his person ready, as we said. As if he finds about himself that he needs a fence even about the permissible, he should fence himself — as we found (Kiddushin 81b) one of the Sages who said, “Be careful with me because of my daughter,” even though it is permitted for a man to isolate himself with his daughter, as we will write with God’s will — since this matter is very difficult, and the evil impulse about it is strong.
Therefore every man should increase his guarding. And if upon running into a beautiful woman, a man will think that Gehinnom is open between her eyelids and that any who approaches her will burn in a perpetual fire, and review his thoughts about these things, “it will not be a cause of stumbling for him.” And they, may their memory be blessed, said (Berakhot 5a) that if [he] does not have the power in his hand to kill the impulse and to distance its thought from him, he should recite the reading of Shema or involve himself with Torah [study]. And they informed us that it will die with this in any event — as they, may their memory be blessed, said (Kiddushin 31a), “If it is a stone it will dissolve, and if it is iron, it will explode, as it is stated (Jeremiah 23:29), ‘Is My word not thus, like fire, etc.’”
And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Kiddushin 80b) about this commandment that it is forbidden to isolate oneself with all of the Torah-level sexual prohibitions — whether old or young — as isolation brings to revealing nakedness. [This is the case] except for a mother with her son, a father with his daughter and a husband with his wife who is a menstruant — who are permitted, except for a groom whose wife has become menstruant before he has intercourse. And it is permissible to isolate oneself with a male and with a beast, as Israelites are not suspected about this. And when the story of Amnon and Tamar occurred, David and his court decreed [to forbid] isolation with a single woman (Avodah Zarah 36b). Shammai and Hillel decreed [to forbid] isolation with [gentiles]. And they, may their memory be blessed, permitted (Kiddushin 41a) to stare at a single woman by one who stares to know if he will marry her as a wife if she is beautiful in his eyes. And they also said that it is fitting to do so, that a man not marry until he sees her; so that he not come to divorce her afterwards, if she becomes unsightly in his eyes. And the rest of the details of the commandment are elucidated in many scattered places in the Talmud. (See Tur, Even HaEzer 21.)
And [it] is practiced in every place and at all times by males and females; as it is forbidden for them as well to have improper thoughts about men besides their husbands. As it is fitting for them to draw all of their yearning and desire towards [their husbands]; and so do the proper daughters of Israel do. And one who transgresses it and approaches a sexual prohibition with approaching of the flesh, in order that he derive pleasure from it, is lashed when warned and volitional. And if he transgressed on the remaining things that they, may their memory be blessed, forbade as a distancing — such as laughing and light-headedness — and they warned him but he did not prevent himself [from it], they would strike him with lashes of rebellion. And Ramban, may this memory be blessed, wrote (on Sefer HaMitzvot, Negative Commandments 353) that we should not count this negative commandment of approaching in the tally of the negative commandments, as all distancing of approaching is rabbinic. And the proof is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Talmud Yerushalmi Sanhedrin 7:7), “Rabbi Yose beRebbi Bon said, ‘It is “do not approach,” it is “do not reveal”’” — meaning to say, that there is no negative commandment of approaching besides the negative commandment of revealing. And the rest of his many proofs are in his Book of Commandments 347 (it should say 353).
שֶׁלֹּא לְהִתְעַדֵּן בְּאַחַת מִכָּל הָעֲרָיוֹת – שֶׁלֹּא לְהִתְעַדֵּן [נִתְעַדֵּן] בְּאַחַת מִכָּל הָעֲרָיוֹת. וְהֵן קְרוֹבוֹת וְאֵשֶׁת אִישׁ וְנִדָּה, וַאֲפִלּוּ בְּלֹא בִּיאָה כְּגוֹן חִבּוּק וְנִשּׁוּק וְכָל הַדּוֹמֶה לְאֵלּוּ הַפְּעֻלּוֹת הָרָעוֹת שֶׁמַּעֲמִיקִין בָּהֶן בַּעֲלֵי הַזִּמָּה הַהוֹלְכִים אַחֲרֵי הַהֶבֶל וַיֶּהְבָּלוּ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ויקרא יח ו) אִישׁ אִישׁ אֶל כָּל שְׁאֵר בְּשָׂרוֹ לֹא תִקְרְבוּ לְגַלּוֹת עֶרְוָה. וּפֵרְשׁוּ, כְּאִלּוּ אָמַר לֹא תַּעֲשׂוּ שׁוּם קְרִיבָה שֶׁהִיא הַגּוֹרֶמֶת וְהַמְּבִיאָה הָאָדָם לְגַלּוֹת עֶרְוָה. וְכֵן דָּרְשׁוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (ספרא אחרי יג טו וכא) לֹא תִקְרְבוּ לְגַלּוֹת, אֵין לִי אֶלָּא שֶׁלֹּא יְגַלֶּה מִנַּיִן שֶׁלֹּא יִקְרַב? תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר וְאֶל אִשָּׁה בְּנִדַּת טֻמְאָתָהּ לֹא תִקְרַב, אֵין לִי אֶלָּא נִדָּה בְּבַל [תִּקְרַב וּבַל] תְּגַלֶּה, מִנַּיִן לְכָל הָעֲרָיוֹת? תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר לֹא תִקְרְבוּ לְגַלּוֹת, וְשָׁם נֶאֱמַר (שם כט) וְנִכְרְתוּ הַנְּפָשׁוֹת הָעוֹשׂוֹת, שֶׁמָּא תֹּאמַר יִהְיוּ חַיָּבִים כָּרֵת עַל הַקְרִיבָה לְבַד? תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר הָעוֹשׂוֹת וְלֹא הַקְּרֵבוֹת.
To not marry one of all the sexual prohibitions: To not indulge [we not indulge] in one of all of the [women forbidden by] sexual prohibitions — and they are the [close] relatives, a married woman and a menstruant — and even without intercourse, such as hugging and kissing and all that is similar to these evil acts that licentious ones, “that go after vanity and become vanity,” develop expertise about. As it is stated (Leviticus 18:6), “Any man shall not approach any of his own flesh, to reveal nakedness” — and its understanding is as if it stated, “Do not do any approaching, which is what causes and brings a person to reveal nakedness.” And so did they, may their memory be blessed expound (Sifra, Acharei Mot, Chapter 13:15, 21), “‘Shall not approach to reveal’ — I only have not to reveal. From where [do I know] not to approach? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘And to a woman in the impurity of her menstruation you shall not approach’ (Deuteronomy 18:19). I only have a menstruant with ‘do not [approach’ and ‘do not] reveal.’ From where [do I know] for all sexual prohibitions? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘do not approach to reveal.’” And there it is said, “‘And the souls that do, will be cut off’ (Deuteronomy 18:29) — lest you say they will be liable for excision with approaching alone. [Hence] we learn to say, ‘that do,’ and not ‘that approach.’”
וְנִכְפַּל הַלָּאו בְּאִסּוּר זֶה בְּאָמְרוֹ (שם כו) וְלֹא תַעֲשׂוּ מִכֹּל הַתּוֹעֵבֹת, שֶׁיִּכְלֹל כָּל עִנְיָנִים אֵלֶּה שֶׁהֵם תּוֹעֲבַת הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ, כְּלוֹמַר שֶׁהָעוֹשֶׂה אוֹתָן יִרְחַק מִן הַטּוֹבָה וּמֵסִיר מֵעָלָיו הַשְׁגָּחַת הַשֵּׁם בָּרוּךְ הוּא. וְזֶהוּ פֵּרוּשׁ תִּעוּב הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ בְּכָל מָקוֹם לְפִי מַה שֶׁשָּׁמַעְתִּי. וְגַם כֵּן מָה שֶׁכָּתוּב בְּסוֹף הָעִנְיָן כִּי אֶת כָּל הַתּוֹעֵבֹת הָאֵל עָשׂוּ אַנְשֵׁי הָאָרֶץ אֲשֶׁר לִפְנֵיכֶם (יח כז) וָאָקֻץ בָּם (כ כג). הָעִנְיָן לוֹמַר, שֶׁהַמִּדָּה מְגֻנָּה מְאֹד, וְכָל דָּבָר רַע וּמָאוּס בְּיוֹתֵר יְכַנֶּה הַכָּתוּב כְּאִלּוּ הַשֵּׁם יִתְבָּרַךְ שׂוֹנֵא אוֹתוֹ, וְהַכֹּל עַל עִנְיָן שֶׁאָמַרְנוּ וּכְעֵין מָה שֶׁאָמְרוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (מכילתא יתרו יט יח) בְּכָל מָקוֹם כְּדֵי לְשַׂבֵּר (לְשַׁכֵּךְ) אֶת הָאֹזֶן מָה שֶׁהִיא יְכוֹלָה לִשְׁמֹעַ. וּלְשׁוֹן סִפְרָא (שם ח ח) כְּמַעֲשֵׂה אֶרֶץ מִצְרַיִם וּכְמַעֲשֵׂה אֶרֶץ כְּנַעַן וְגוֹ, יָכוֹל לֹא יִבְנוּ בִּנְיָנִים כְּמוֹתָם? תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר וּבְחֻקֹּתֵיהֶם לֹא תֵּלֵכוּ, לֹא אָמַרְתִּי אֶלָּא בְּחֻקִּים הַחֲקוּקִים לָהֶם וְלֹא בִּנְיָנוֹתֵיהֶם. וְשָׁם נֶאֱמַר מֶה הָיוּ עוֹשִׂין? הָאִישׁ נוֹשֵׂא אִישׁ וְאִשָּׁה נוֹשֵׂאת אִשָּׁה, וְאִשָּׁה נִשֵּׂאת לִשְׁנֵי אֲנָשִׁים.
And the negative commandment of this prohibition was repeated in its stating, “and you shall not do from any of [these] abominations” (Leviticus 18:26), which includes all of these matters which are an abomination to God, may He be blessed. [This] means to say, that one who does them distances himself from the good and removes from himself the providence of God, blessed be He. And this is the understanding of the abominable to the Lord, may He be blessed, in every place, according to that which I have heard. And also that which is written at the end of the matter, “for all of these abominations did the people of the land that were before you do” (Leviticus 18:27), “and I was disgusted with them” (Leviticus 20:23). And the matter is to say that the trait is very disgusting. And every thing that is bad and very vile, Scripture describes as if God, may He be blessed, hates. And it is all according to the matter that we said; and similar to what they, may their memory be blessed, said in every place (Mekhilta DeRabbi Yishmael 19:18:2), [it is] in order to break [to assuage] the ear to that which it can hear. And the language of Sifra, Acharei Mot, Section 8:8 is “‘Like the deed of the land of Egypt and like the deed of the land of Canaan, etc.’ (Leviticus 18:27) — perhaps they should not build or plant as they do? [Hence] we learn to say, ‘and in their statutes you shall not walk.’ I have only said those statutes which were instituted for them, and not their buildings. What did they do? A man would wed a man, and a woman, a woman; and a woman would wed two men.”
מִשָּׁרְשֵׁי הַרְחָקַת הַזִּמָּה כָּתַבְתִּי בְּפָרָשַׁת וַיִּשְׁמַע יִתְרוֹ בְּלָאו דְּלֹא תִּנְאָף (מצוה לה) מָה שֶׁיָּדַעְתִּי. וְזֹאת הַמִּצְוָה גַּם כֵּן מֵאוֹתוֹ הַשֹּׁרֶשׁ הִיא, שֶׁנִּמְנָעֵנוּ מֵהִתְקָרֵב עִם הָעֶרְוָה שׁוּם קֻרְבָה, לְפִי שֶׁיָּדוּעַ כִּי הַקֻּרְבָה סִבָּה אֶל גִּלּוּי עֶרְוָה, יִמָּשְׁכוּ (יִמָּצְאוּ) כַּמָּה תַּקָּלוֹת וְכַמָּה הֶפְסֵדִין כְּמוֹ שֶׁכָּתַבְתִּי שָׁם. וְאָמְנָם אוֹתוֹ הַטַּעַם יַסְפִּיק בְּאֵשֶׁת אִישׁ, אֲבָל בִּקְרוֹבוֹת עֲדַיִן צְרִיכִין אָנוּ לְטַעַם אַחֵר, וּבְאַזְהָרַת עֶרְוַת אֵם (לקמן מצוה קצ) נִכְתֹּב בּוֹ מָה שֶׁנֵּדַע בְּעֶזְרַת הַשֵּׁם.
I have written in the Parshah of Vayishma Yitro in the negative commandment of “You shall not commit adultery” (Sefer HaChinukh 35) that which I have known about the root of distancing from licentiousness. And this commandment is also from that root — that we were prevented from approaching the sexual prohibition with any approach. As it is known that approaching is the cause of the revealing of nakedness (sexual transgression) — [which, in turn] draws (finds) several mishaps and several losses, as I wrote there. However that reason will [only] suffice for a married woman. But for relatives, we still need another reason. And in the warning (prohibition) of the nakedness of the mother (Sefer HaChinukh 190), we shall write that which we shall know about it.
מִדִּינֵי הַמִּצְוָה. מָה שֶׁאָסְרוּ חֲכָמִים זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (אבות ג, יג ואבות דרבי נתן פ"ב) בָּזֶה לְגָדֵר, וְהוּא שֶׁלֹּא יִקְרֹץ אָדָם בְּיָדָיו וְיִרְמֹז בְּעֵינָיו לְאַחַת מִן הָעֲרָיוֹת, וְשֶׁלֹּא לִשְׂחֹק עִמָּהֶם כְּלָל, וַאֲפִלּוּ לְהָרִיחַ בְּשָׂמִים שֶׁעֲלֵיהֶם אָסְרוּ, וְשֶׁלֹּא לְהַבִּיט בַּנָּשִׁים כְּלָל וַאֲפִלּוּ בִּפְנֵי כַּלָּה בְּכַוָּנַת הֲנָאָה, וַאֲפִלּוּ בְּאֶצְבַּע קְטַנָּה שֶׁלָּהֶן אָסְרוּ לְהִסְתַּכֵּל, חוּץ מֵאִשְׁתּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם שֶׁמֻּתָּר לוֹ לְהַבִּיט בְּיָפְיָהּ וַאֲפִלּוּ בְּעוֹדָהּ נִדָּה מִפְּנֵי שֶׁהִיא מֻתֶּרֶת לוֹ לְאַחַר זְמַן, וַחֲזָקָה בְּיִשְׂרָאֵל שֶׁיִּצְרוֹ מָסוּר בְּיָדוֹ בִּכְגוֹן דָּבָר זֶה שֶׁתָּלוּי בַּזְּמַן. וְדַוְקָא בִּמְקוֹם מְגֻלֶּה שֶׁבָּהּ הִתִּירוּ לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בְּעוֹדָהּ נִדָּה, אֲבָל לֹא בַּמְּכֻסֶּה כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יִלְבָּשֶׁנּוּ יֵצֶר הָרַע.
From the laws of the commandment is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Avot 3:13; Avot D'Rabbi Natan 2) about this for a fence, and that is that a man not motion with his hand nor hint with eyes to one of the sexual prohibitions, nor to joke with them at all. And it is even forbidden to smell perfume that is on them; and not to gaze at women at all, and even at a bride — with the intention to derive pleasure. And they forbade to stare even at their small finger. [This is] besides the wife of a man, as it is permitted for him to gaze at her beauty, and even while she is still menstruant, as she will be permitted to him later. And there is an assumption about an Israelite that his impulse is given over to his hand (under control) in an example like this, that is dependent upon time. And it is specifically at the revealed places upon her that they permitted to stare while she is still a menstruant, but not at the covered [places] so that his evil impulse not cover (overcome) him.
וְאָמְרוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה גַּם כֵּן, (ברכות כד, א) שֶׁאָסוּר לְהִסְתַּכֵּל אֲפִילּוּ בִּשְׂעָרָהּ שֶׁל אִשָּׁה הָאֲסוּרָה לוֹ וַאֲפִילּוּ לִשְׁמֹעַ קוֹלָהּ לְכַוָּנָה שֶׁיֵּהָנֶה בָּהּ אָסוּר, וַאֲפִלּוּ לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בְּבִגְדֵי צֶבַע שֶׁל אִשָּׁה, כְּלוֹמַר בִּבְגָדִים נָאִים שֶׁדַּרְכָּן לַעֲשׂוֹתָן מִבְּגָדִים צְבוּעִים אָסוּר לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בָּהֶן כָּל זְמַן שֶׁמַּכִּיר הָאִשָּׁה הַלּוֹבֶשֶׁת אוֹתָן, לְפִי שֶׁמִּתּוֹךְ רְאִיַּת הַמַּלְבּוּשׁ יָבוֹא לְהַרְהֵר בָּהּ. וְהִרְחִיקוּ גַּם כֵּן שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁאֹל בִּשְׁלוֹם אֵשֶׁת אִישׁ כְּלָל וַאֲפִלּוּ עַל יְדֵי בַּעְלָהּ (קידושין ע ב ובתוס' שם ד"ה אין שואלין).
And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Berakhot 24a) that it is forbidden to stare even at the hair of a woman that is forbidden to him. And even to hear her voice with the intention to derive pleasure from it is forbidden. And even to stare at the colored clothes of a woman — meaning to say, beautiful clothes, the way of which is to make them from colored fabric — is forbidden, so long as he knows the woman that wears them, since by seeing the garment, he will come to have improper thoughts about her. And they also distanced [us] that we should not ask about the welfare of a married woman at all, and even through her husband (Kiddushin 70b and Tosafot s.v. ein shoelin).
וְרִבּוּי (וְרַבּוּ) פְּרָטֵי הָרִחוּקִין שֶׁהִזְהִירוּ עֲלֵיהֶן בְּעִנְיָן זֶה. אֲבָל כְּלַל הַדָּבָר הוּא שֶׁלֹּא יַעֲשֶׂה הָאָדָם שׁוּם דָּבָר בָּעוֹלָם הַמְּבִיאוֹ לִידֵי הִרְהוּר בַּנָּשִׁים, לֹא בְּמַעֲשֶׂה וְלֹא בְּדִבּוּר וְלֹא שׁוּם רֶמֶז לְקָרֵב דַּעַת הָאִשָּׁה הַקַּלָּה עִם דַּעְתּוֹ, אֶלָּא בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ לְבַד. וּכְעִנְיָן זֶה הָיָה מוֹכִיחַ הַנָּבִיא אַנְשֵׁי דּוֹרוֹ בְּאָמְרוֹ לָהֶם (ירמיהו ה ח) אִישׁ אֶל אֵשֶׁת רֵעֵהוּ יִצְהָלוּ. כְּלוֹמַר, לְפִי דַּרְכָּם שֶׁנִּרְאֶה כְּאִלּוּ אֵינָם מִתְכַּוְּנִים לְכָךְ יִרְמְזוּ לִנְשֵׁי רֵעֵיהֶם רְמִיזוֹת שֶׁל נִאוּף וּמַגְבִּיהִים קוֹלָם בְּעִנְיָן שֶׁיִּשְׁמְעוּ אוֹתָן הַנָּשִׁים וְיִתְעוֹרֵר יִצְרָם אֶל אַהֲבַת הַנּוֹאֵף. וְאֵין בְּאֶפְשָׁר לְהַגִּיד פְּרָטֵי הָעִנְיָנִים שֶׁיֵּדַע הָאָדָם לַעֲשׂוֹת לְקָרֵב אֵלָיו דַּעַת הָאִשָּׁה שֶׁהִיא קַלָּה, וְלָכֵן הִזְכִּירוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה מֵהֶם קְצָת, וּבַשְּׁאָר יִזָּהֵר כָּל אֶחָד וְאֶחָד לְשַׁמֵּר עַצְמוֹ לְפִי מָה שֶׁיִּמְצָא אֶת גּוּפוֹ, כִּי הַשֵּׁם יִרְאֶה לַלֵּבָב (שמואל א טז ז).
And there are many details of the distancings that they warned about this matter, but the general principle of the matter is that a man should not do anything in the world that brings him to improper thoughts about women — not in action, not in speech and not with any hint to bring close the weak mind of a woman to his mind — except for only his wife. And like this matter did the prophet rebuke the men of his generation, in his saying to them (Jeremiah 5:8), “each one is neighing at his neighbor’s wife” — meaning to say, according to their way that they appear as if they do not intend this, they hint to the wives of their neighbors hints of adultery, and raise their voices in such a way that these women should listen to them and their impulse be aroused towards love of the adulterer. And it is not from the possible to say [all of] the details of the matters that a man will know to do to bring the mind of a woman, which is weak, close to him. And therefore they, may their memory be blessed, [only] mentioned a few of them. But with the rest, each and every one should be careful to guard himself according to what he finds with his person, “as the Lord sees to the heart.”
וּמִכָּל מָקוֹם, לְפִי הַדּוֹמֶה מִכָּל מָה שֶׁהִזְהִירוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה אֵין אָדָם רַשַּׁאי לָזוּז מִמּוּסָרָם הַטּוֹב, וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהוּא מוֹצֵא עַצְמוֹ חֲשׂוּךְ הַתַּאֲוָה קְצָת, לֹא יֹאמַר כֵּיוָן שֶׁאֲנִי מוֹצֵא עַצְמִי כֵּן מָה אִכְפַּת לִי אִם אֶסְתַּכֵּל בַּנָּשִׁים, כִּי יוֹדֵעַ אֲנִי בְּעַצְמִי שֶׁלֹּא יִתְעוֹרֵר יִצְרִי בְּכָךְ, שֶׁהַרְבֵּה אָמְרוּ כֵּן וְנִכְשְׁלוּ. וְעַל זֶה רָמְזוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (סוכה נב, א) בְּאָמְרָם כִּי הַיֵּצֶר בַּתְּחִלָּה חַלָּשׁ מְאֹד, וְהוֹלֵךְ וּמִתְחַזֵּק עַל הָאָדָם הַרְבֵּה. וְאַתָּה בְּנִי הִזָּהֵר עַל זֶה מְאֹד וְאַל יַבְטִיחֲךָ יִצְרְךָ, וְאִם אֶלֶף עֲרֵבִים יִתֵּן לְךָ. וְזֶה שֶׁאַתָּה מוֹצֵא קְצָת מַעֲשִׂים בַּגְּמָרָא מַרְאִים סוֹתְרִים דְּבָרַי אֵלֶּה, כְּלוֹמַר שֶׁאֲפִלּוּ בַּמֶּה שֶׁאָסְרוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה בַּנָּשִׁים לֹא הָיוּ קְצָת מֵהֶן חוֹשְׁשִׁין אֵין זֶה סְתִירָה כְּלָל לִדְבָרַי, דְּבִמְקוֹם מִצְוָה הוּא דַּוְקָא שֶׁהָיוּ מְקִלִּין קְצָת, כְּמוֹ שֶׁמָּצִינוּ (ברכות כ, א) בְּרַבִּי יוֹחָנָן דַּהֲוָה יָתֵיב אַשַּׁעֲרֵי טְבִילָה כְּדֵי שֶׁיִּסְתַּכְּלוּ בּוֹ הַנָּשִׁים וְיֵלְדוּ בָּנִים נָאִים כְּמוֹתוֹ, וְהוּא לֹא הָיָה מִסְתַּכֵּל בָּהֶן חָלִילָה. וְרַבִּי (כתובות יז, א) וְרַב אַחָא דַּהֲוָה נְקִיט כַּלְּתָא אַכִּתְפֵהּ לְמִצְוָה שֶׁהָיָה עוֹשֶׂה כֵּן כְּדֵי לְשַׂמְּחָהּ, וּקְצָת עִנְיָנִים כַּיּוֹצֵא בָּאֵלּוּ.
And in any case, according to what appears from all that they, may their memory be blessed, have warned us, a man is not permitted to budge from their good teaching. And even if he finds himself a little devoid of desire, he should not say, “Since I find myself so, what do I care if I stare at women, since I know about myself that my impulse will not be aroused by this” — as many have said like this and stumbled. And about this, they, may their memory be blessed, hinted when they said (Sukkah 52a) that the impulse is very weak at first and continues to [grow until it] greatly overpower[s] a man. And you, my son, be very careful about this and do not let your impulse promise you [that it will not overpower you], even if it gives you a thousand pledges. And that which you find a few stories in the Gemara that appear to contradict these words of mine — meaning to say that a few of them were not concerned about even that which our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, forbade with women — this is not a contradiction to my words at all. As they were only a little lenient in the place of a commandment, as we found with Rabbi Yochanan who would sit at the gates of the [place of] immersion in order that the women would stare at him and give birth to sons as beautiful as he (Berakhot 20a), but he did not stare at them, God forbid; and Rebbi, and Rav Acha, who would take a bride on his shoulders for a commandment, as he did this in order to have her rejoice (Ketuvot 17a); and a few matters similar to this.
וְעוֹד שֶׁהֵם זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה הָיוּ כְּמַלְאָכִים שֶׁלֹּא הָיָה עִסְקָם אֲפִלּוּ שָׁעָה קַלָּה כִּי אִם בַּתּוֹרָה וּבַמִּצְוֹת, וְהָיְתָה מְפֻרְסֶמֶת כַּוָּנָתָם לְכָל הָעוֹלָם כַּשֶּׁמֶשׁ וְלֹא הָיוּ מַרְגִּישִׁים הֶרְגֵּשׁ רַע בְּשׁוּם דָּבָר מֵרֹב דְּבֵקוּתָם בַּתּוֹרָה וּבַמִּצְוֹת, אֲבָל אֲנַחְנוּ עַכְשָׁו אֵין לָנוּ לִפְרֹץ אֲפִלּוּ גָּדֵר קָטָן בְּעִנְיָנִים אֵלּוּ כְּלָל, אֶלָּא לִשְׁמֹר כָּל הַהֶרְחֵקִים שֶׁהוֹדִיעוּנוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה בִּפְרָט, וּבַמֶּה שֶׁלֹּא הִזְכִּירוּ הֵם יֵשׁ עַל כָּל אֶחָד וְאֶחָד לַעֲשׂוֹת כְּפִי מַה שֶׁיִּמְצָא אֶת גּוּפוֹ מוּכָן כְּמוֹ שֶׁאָמַרְנוּ שֶׁאִם הוּא מוֹצֵא אֶת עַצְמוֹ שֶׁצָּרִיךְ גָּדֵר אַף עַל הַמֻּתָּר יִגְדֹּר עַצְמוֹ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁמָּצִינוּ (קדושין פא, ב) אֶחָד מִן הַחֲכָמִים שֶׁאָמַר הִזָּהֲרוּ בִּי מִפְּנֵי בִּתִּי. וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁמֻּתָּר לָאָדָם לְהִתְיַחֵד עִם בִּתּוֹ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁנִּכְתֹּב בְּעֶזְרַת הַשֵּׁם, לְפִי שֶׁעִנְיָן זֶה קָשֶׁה מְאֹד וְיֵצֶר הָרַע חָזָק בּוֹ.
And also as they, may their memory be blessed, were like angels, as they had no other occupation — even for a short time — besides Torah and the commandments; and their intention was famous to the whole world like the sun; and they would not feel any evil feeling about anything, due to their great clinging to the Torah and the commandments. But we now should not even breach a small fence in these matters at all, but rather guard all of the distancings that they, may their memory be blessed, informed us [about] in particular. And regarding that which they did not mention, each and every one should do according to that which he finds his person ready, as we said. As if he finds about himself that he needs a fence even about the permissible, he should fence himself — as we found (Kiddushin 81b) one of the Sages who said, “Be careful with me because of my daughter,” even though it is permitted for a man to isolate himself with his daughter, as we will write with God’s will — since this matter is very difficult, and the evil impulse about it is strong.
עַל כֵּן צָרִיךְ כָּל אָדָם לְהַרְבּוֹת בִּשְׁמִירָה. וְאִם יַחְשֹׁב הָאִישׁ בְּפָגְעוֹ בְּאִשָּׁה נָאָה כִּי גֵּיהִנָּם פָּתוּחַ בֵּין רִיסֵי עֵינֶיהָ, וּבְאֵשׁ תָּמִיד תּוּקַד כָּל הַקָּרֵב אֵלֶיהָ וְיַחְזִיר כָּל מַחְשְׁבוֹתָיו אֶל הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה לֹא תִּהְיֶה לוֹ לְפוּקָה. וְאָמְרוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (ברכות ה, א) שֶׁאִם אֵין כֹּחַ בְּיָדוֹ לְהָמִית הַיֵּצֶר וּלְהַרְחִיק מַחְשַׁבְתּוֹ מִמֶּנּוּ שֶׁיִּקְרָא קְרִיאַת שְׁמַע אוֹ יַעֲסֹק בַּתּוֹרָה, וְהוֹדִיעוּנוּ שֶׁעַל כָּל פָּנִים יָמוּת בְּכָךְ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁאָמְרוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (קידושין לא א), שֶׁאִם אֶבֶן הוּא נִמּוֹחַ, וְאִם בַּרְזֶל הוּא מִתְפּוֹצֵץ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ירמיהו כג כט) הֲלֹא כֹה דְבָרִי כָּאֵשׁ וְגוֹ'.
Therefore every man should increase his guarding. And if upon running into a beautiful woman, a man will think that Gehinnom is open between her eyelids and that any who approaches her will burn in a perpetual fire, and review his thoughts about these things, “it will not be a cause of stumbling for him.” And they, may their memory be blessed, said (Berakhot 5a) that if [he] does not have the power in his hand to kill the impulse and to distance its thought from him, he should recite the reading of Shema or involve himself with Torah [study]. And they informed us that it will die with this in any event — as they, may their memory be blessed, said (Kiddushin 31a), “If it is a stone it will dissolve, and if it is iron, it will explode, as it is stated (Jeremiah 23:29), ‘Is My word not thus, like fire, etc.’”
וְעוֹד אָמְרוּ רַבּוֹתֵינוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (שם פ, ב) בְּמִצְוָה זוֹ שֶׁאָסוּר לְהִתְיַחֵד עִם כָּל הָעֲרָיוֹת דְּבַר תּוֹרָה, בֵּין זְקֵנָה בֵּין יַלְדָּה, שֶׁהַיִּחוּד לְגַלּוֹת עֶרְוָה הוּא גּוֹרֵם, חוּץ מִן הָאֵם עִם בְּנָהּ וְהָאָב עִם בִּתּוֹ וְהַבַּעַל עִם אִשְׁתּוֹ נִדָּה שֶׁמֻּתָּרִין, חוּץ מֵחָתָן שֶׁפֵּרְסָה אִשְׁתּוֹ נִדָּה קֹדֶם שֶׁיִּבְעֹל, וּמֻתָּר לְהִתְיַחֵד עִם הַזָּכָר וְעִם הַבְּהֵמָה שֶׁלֹּא נֶחְשְׁדוּ יִשְׂרָאֵל עַל כָּךְ. כְּשֶׁאֵרַע מַעֲשֵׂה אַמְנוֹן וְתָמָר (ע"ז לו, ב) גָּזַר דָּוִד וּבֵית דִּינוֹ עַל יִחוּד דִּפְנוּיָה. שַׁמַּאי וְהִלֵּל גָּזְרוּ עַל יִחוּד גּוֹיִים. וְהִתִּירוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (קדושין מא, א) לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בִּפְנֵי פְּנוּיָה לְמִי שֶׁמִּסְתַּכֵּל בָּהּ לְדַעַת שֶׁיִּשָּׂא אוֹתָהּ לְאִשָּׁה אִם תִּהְיֶה נָאָה בְּעֵינָיו. וְגַם אָמְרוּ שֶׁרָאוּי לַעֲשׂוֹת כֵּן, שֶׁלֹּא יִשָּׂא אָדָם עַד שֶׁיִּרְאֶנָּה כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא יָבֹא לְגָרְשָׁהּ אַחַר כֵּן אִם תִּתְגַּנֶּה בְּעֵינָיו. וְיֶתֶר פְּרָטֵי הַמִּצְוָה מְבֹאָרִים בְּהַרְבֵּה מְקוֹמוֹת בַּתַּלְמוּד בְּפִזּוּר [א"ה סימן כא].
And our Rabbis, may their memory be blessed, also said (Kiddushin 80b) about this commandment that it is forbidden to isolate oneself with all of the Torah-level sexual prohibitions — whether old or young — as isolation brings to revealing nakedness. [This is the case] except for a mother with her son, a father with his daughter and a husband with his wife who is a menstruant — who are permitted, except for a groom whose wife has become menstruant before he has intercourse. And it is permissible to isolate oneself with a male and with a beast, as Israelites are not suspected about this. And when the story of Amnon and Tamar occurred, David and his court decreed [to forbid] isolation with a single woman (Avodah Zarah 36b). Shammai and Hillel decreed [to forbid] isolation with [gentiles]. And they, may their memory be blessed, permitted (Kiddushin 41a) to stare at a single woman by one who stares to know if he will marry her as a wife if she is beautiful in his eyes. And they also said that it is fitting to do so, that a man not marry until he sees her; so that he not come to divorce her afterwards, if she becomes unsightly in his eyes. And the rest of the details of the commandment are elucidated in many scattered places in the Talmud. (See Tur, Even HaEzer 21.)
וְנוֹהֶגֶת בְּכָל מָקוֹם וּבְכָל זְמַן בִּזְכָרִים וּנְקֵבוֹת, שֶׁגַּם לָהֶן אָסוּר לְהַרְהֵר אַחַר הָאֲנָשִׁים זוּלָתִי בְּבַעְלֵיהֶן, שֶׁעֲלֵיהֶם רָאוּי לָהֶן לְהַמְשִׁיךְ כָּל חִשְׁקָן וְחֶפְצָן, וְכֵן יַעֲשׂוּ בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל הַכְּשֵׁרוֹת. וְעוֹבֵר עָלֶיהָ וְקָרַב אֶל הָעֶרְוָה קֵרוּב בָּשָׂר כְּדֵי שֶׁיֵּהָנֶה מִמֶּנָּה, בְּמֵזִיד וּבְהַתְרָאָה לוֹקֶה. וְאִם עָבַר עַל שְׁאָר הַדְּבָרִים שֶׁאָסְרוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה לְהַרְחָקָה, כְּגוֹן הַשְּׂחֹק וְקַלּוּת רֹאשׁ, וְהִתְרוּ בּוֹ וְלֹא נִמְנַע, מַכִּין אוֹתוֹ מַכַּת מַרְדּוּת. וְהָרַמְבַּ"ן זִכְרוֹנוֹ לִבְרָכָה כָּתַב (בספר המצות ל"ת שנג) שֶׁלֹּא נִמְנֶה לָאו זֶה דִּקְרִיבָה בְּמִנְיַן הַלָּאוִין, שֶׁכָּל הַרְחָקַת הַקְּרִיבָה, דְּרַבָּנָן הִיא. וְהָרְאָיָה מָה שֶׁאָמְרוּ זִכְרוֹנָם לִבְרָכָה (ירושלמי סנהדרין ז ז), אָמַר רַבִּי יוֹסֵי בְּרַבִּי בּוּן הִיא בַּל תִּקְרַב הִיא בַּל תְּגַלֶּה, כְּלוֹמַר שֶׁאֵין בַּקְּרִיבָה לָאו, אֶלָּא לָאו דְּגִלּוּי. וְיֶתֶר רְאָיוֹתָיו רַבּוֹת בְּסִפְרוֹ בְּמִצְוָה שמ"ז (עי' ל"ת שנג).
And [it] is practiced in every place and at all times by males and females; as it is forbidden for them as well to have improper thoughts about men besides their husbands. As it is fitting for them to draw all of their yearning and desire towards [their husbands]; and so do the proper daughters of Israel do. And one who transgresses it and approaches a sexual prohibition with approaching of the flesh, in order that he derive pleasure from it, is lashed when warned and volitional. And if he transgressed on the remaining things that they, may their memory be blessed, forbade as a distancing — such as laughing and light-headedness — and they warned him but he did not prevent himself [from it], they would strike him with lashes of rebellion. And Ramban, may this memory be blessed, wrote (on Sefer HaMitzvot, Negative Commandments 353) that we should not count this negative commandment of approaching in the tally of the negative commandments, as all distancing of approaching is rabbinic. And the proof is that which they, may their memory be blessed, said (Talmud Yerushalmi Sanhedrin 7:7), “Rabbi Yose beRebbi Bon said, ‘It is “do not approach,” it is “do not reveal”’” — meaning to say, that there is no negative commandment of approaching besides the negative commandment of revealing. And the rest of his many proofs are in his Book of Commandments 347 (it should say 353).