The Sages have said: "Intelligence is a sense of shame and a sense of shame is intelligence." For regarding Adam and Eve, it is said: "The two of them were naked and yet they felt no shame" (Gen. 2:25). And they did not understand what modesty is and they could not distinguish between good and evil. But, after they had eaten of the Tree of Knowledge, it is said: "Then the eyes of both of them were opened" (Gen. 3:7).
And thus with all living creatures outside of man there is no sense of shame, since they have no wisdom. Every one wise of heart knows the worth of the virtue of intelligence and wisdom, for through this virtue he attains the truth of things and also the concept of the oneness of his Creator, Blessed is He, and how to serve Him — and in serving God man can be like the angels.
And since the virtue of wisdom is so great it is necessary that her companion, a sense of shame, who resembles wisdom, should be ever near to her. And the proof of the matter is that you have never seen a man with a sense of shame who is not an intelligent and knowing person, and conversely, you have never seen an intelligent and knowing person who is without the sense of shame. Therefore, it is fitting for every person to try and find pleasure in the exercise of this important virtue, and to cleave to it until it becomes fixed and established in his soul. He must make it the strongest quality in his nature, and it must be in his eyes the most important quality he possesses, for through it he will attain most of the other virtues and will be restrained from sins and from all ugly qualities.
The quality of shame is a fence and an iron partition between a man and all manner of sins, for a man may commit many sins in private that he would be ashamed to do in public. An example cited by our Sages: "When Rabbi Johanan ben Zakkai was about to expire, his disciples said to him, 'Our teacher, bless us!' And he said to them, 'May the fear of Heaven be upon you as much as you fear human beings!' They asked in wonder, 'Shall we indeed fear God only as much as we fear human beings and no more?' Whereupon, he said to them, 'Would that it were so, If only you would realize that when a man commits a sin he thinks "I hope no one sees me," (Berachoth 28b). All because he is afraid of being disgraced in the eyes of people, and this fear of disgrace often restrains him from doing a sinful act. Eventually, he will refrain from doing a sinful act from nobler motives (Pesahim 50b).
But the highest form of the virtue of shame is that he should be ashamed before the Holy One, Blessed is He, as it is said: "O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift up my face to Thee" (Ezra 9:6). And if you should think, "How can I be ashamed before Him whom I cannot see with my eyes?" you should truly know that even though the Holy One, Blessed is He, is hidden from the eyes of all the living, He is found in our hearts and is revealed in our thoughts. Man can attain a higher degree in his sense of shame if he meditates in solitude on the greatness of God, Blessed is He, and if he remembers constantly the Holy One, Blessed is He, who sees his deeds and searches the reins and sees his thoughts. As an example, one of our Sages said, "If you have guarded yourself all your days not to sin, do not take credit for yourself because the beginning of turning away from sin lies in your being ashamed of what people will think of you." Therefore, a person should be very careful to guard against this motive and to keep in his heart when he avoids sin that he does not refrain from sin because of shame from his fellows, for the evil desire prompts him to concern himself with the opinion of his fellows, saying, "If you do this people will hold you in contempt." Therefore, a man should place as first above all — that he must know his Creator, recognize His power, and decide in his heart whom he wishes to serve and whom he fears, whose command he wishes to obey and who has warned him. As David said to Solomon, his son: "Know thou the God of thy father and serve Him with a whole heart and with a willing mind" (I Chron. 28:9). In this way he will attain to the degree where he is ashamed only before God.
It is clearly known that all people do many things in secret, speak many things in secret, and think many thoughts, and the only thing they fear is that these matters will become known. If all their deeds that they did from their youth and all the words they spoke and all the thoughts they thought were to be exposed and revealed before everyone, they would suffer the greatest embarassment. Then how much more ought one to be ashamed before the Holy One, Blessed is He, who looks into the hearts of men and sees their thoughts and knows all the deeds, words and thoughts that a man has done all his life long, and does not forget — how much more ought we to be ashamed before Him!
There are four stages in a sense of shame. The first is a person who is ashamed to do sins in public and sins in secret. Such a person insults God for he shows that he cares more for people's opinion than he does for God's opinion, and his transgression is a great one.
The second is a person who is ashamed to do wrong publicly and holds back from sinning even privately because he feels that somehow his sin will become known and then he will be ashamed before God, Blessed is He, and man (for his fault will be a profanation of the Name.) Of this person our Sages said: "From a base motive he will arrive at following a precept for its own sake" (Pesahim 50b).
The third is a person who thinks, "How shall I do this evil in secret and show more shame before a servant (human beings) than before the master (God) and thereby attempt to deceive God." Thus he holds back from the transgression. This is a good virtue.
The fourth is a person who is ashamed before God alone, Blessed is He, for anything wrong he does publicly or privately. There is no quality above this virtue.
Our Sages said: "Anyone who does a transgression and is ashamed of his deed is forgiven for all his sins" (Berakoth 12b). And they said further, "He who has a sense of shame is destined for Paradise" (Aboth 5:42). And our Sages said, "Faith and a sense of shame are linked together, for the one who is ashamed before people shows that he believes in people. If he did not believe in the importance and worth of people he would not care for their opinion and therefore would not be ashamed before them." The wise man said, "If it brings you no shame do all that you desire."
A man should accustom himself not to do anything that will embarrass his companion and make him too ashamed to protest — as, for example, if he should suddenly enter into the privacy of his companion uninvited or stay as a house guest; and his companion is painfully ashamed to tell him to leave. Or if he reads from the diary, letters or other private papers of his companion and his companion is too embarrassed to tell him not to read his personal papers, and similar instances.
And he should be careful not to impose upon his companion in any way by asking him for something, a gift — or requesting him to loan him some utensils or money when he knows his companion does not do these things willingly but is ashamed to turn the petitioner away empty handed.
He who has the quality of shame will find it difficult to bear the fact that his companion is put to shame because of him. On this subject the wise man said, "Love that friend who clearly shows that he cannot do without your help, even though you need his help more than he needs yours, and who forgives you if you wrong him in such a manner that it would appear that he was in the wrong, and asks of you things he does not need in order that you may not be embarassed to ask him for things that you do need."
He who wishes to accustom himself to having a sense of shame should sit constantly in the presence of those of whom he is ashamed of doing anything wrong in their presence.
A man should not lose his dignity by constantly begging favors of people, for if you do lose your dignity you will find it difficult to find some one who will restore it.
There is a man who brings shame on his friend not because he hates him but because he wants to free himself from a sense of shame. Such a man says, "What did I do? So and so did the same thing I did." In this way he makes light of his wrongful act. From this great evils follow: First he brings others to shame because he feels less guilty by making light of his sin. Second, he will find it difficult to repent for he thinks, "What did I do? So and so did likewise." And third, he causes others to sin because as long as he removes his own feeling of guilt he will excuse the act in others and even induce them to do likewise.
And if he lies about others in order to make his guilt and shame seem less, then his guilt is exceedingly great for he ascribes disgrace and shame to good people. And many more evils result from this.
There is a person who is ashamed of keeping away from sins. For example, where his fellow citizens commit certain sin — as to ogle at women who pass by and similar lewd conduct, and they mock anyone who does not do likewise. In such a case a man ought to strengthen himself to bear the shame they heap upon him and resist sinning no matter how they belittle him for clinging to his morals.
And there is he who is ashamed when he follows certain commandments of the Torah that many people no longer follow, and these people laugh at him for following these "outmoded precepts". He should bear their mockery and fulfill the commandment. And a person should never abandon any precept or religious practice because he is ashamed to perform it before people, for he should rather be ashamed before the Creator, may He be Blessed, who commanded the performance of these precepts.
For it is clear that the servant of a king will not abandon the king's command though he bears much shame from everyone who may laugh at him for performing that which his king commanded him. And he who cannot bear the shame in performing the precept and is ashamed to fulfill the command of God — and thus forsakes the path of good out of fear of shame — this kind of shame is very evil. And thus, if he is ashamed to admit the truth, this too is an evil disease. And thus, if he is too shy to rebuke people and command them to do good. And thus if he sits before his teacher and is too ashamed to ask what he does not know, whether it be a small matter or a big matter, such an attitude is very ugly. In these cases Scripture says: "Do not act foolishly by exalting yourself nor by cunningly keeping silent" (Prov. 30:32). And our Sages of Blessed Memory said: "The one who is ashamed (to ask questions) does not learn" (Aboth 2:5). The proper way is never to be ashamed to ask concerning what one does not know whether it be a small matter or a large one. Did you not see that David, King of Israel, said in Psalms 119:46: "And I will speak of Thy testimonies before kings and I shall not be ashamed."
A pious man is so called because he has a sense of shame, for the word 'hassid' or 'pious' means 'white', for the translation of 'stork' (Hassidah) in Aramaic is "hawaeita" meaning "the white one", as you note in Leviticus 11:19, and similarly in Isaiah 29:22: "Neither shall his face now become white" (with shame), and the Aramaic translation of "herpah" (shame) is hisda (same as Hassid), as you will note in Genesis 34:14. And all of this for what reason? That the Hassid or pious person must bear shame in order to fulfill the Torah, and he must remove shame from his face at performing any precept. Then he is called a Hassid or "pious one", and thus he attains to prophecy as it is written: "Then didst Thou speak in vision to Thy pious ones" (Ps. 89:20). And through his sense of shame he will attain to true reverence of God, as it is written: "In order that His awe be upon your faces and you do not sin" (Exod. 20:20). What kind of awe or fear of God can be seen in a person's face? You must surely say, "A sense of shame" (which causes the face to change color) (Nedarim 20a).
And one should be very careful not to shame any man for the Sages said: "He who whitens (shames) the face of another in public has no portion in the world to come" (Baba Mezià 59a). To whiten another's face is like murder, for the red departs and the white comes (thus one is spilling the blood of the shamed one within him) (Ibid., 58b). And the Sage said further: The pain of shame is worse than death. A person should allow himself to be burnt alive and not shame his fellow in public. And they learned this from Tamar who, even though they brought her forth to be burned, did not want to shame Judah (Berakoth 43b). And even when you are required to rebuke another the Torah says: "You shall surely rebuke your neighbor and not bear sin because of him" (Lev. 19:17). How shall you rebuke? At first, secretly and gently. However if you rebuke him at the beginning in public and shame him, then you have sinned because of this, (Arakin 16b). And this is all the more true where one shames another where no rebuke is called for.
Therefore, one should be most careful not to do anything that will cause anyone in the world shame. Even when he discusses Torah with another and hears his companion make a mistake, he should not say to him, "You made a mistake!" or "You don't understand!" or any similar expression, so that his companion be not shamed, but he should pretend that he is not aware that his companion made a mistake. Nor in conversing should he directly refer by nickname to a man so as not to embarrass him. But if he wants to speak with someone who has a nickname, or even about him out of his presence, he should say, "So and so, from such and such a place" or "the son of so and so" or mention a few characteristics that will identify him without using the nickname.
And a man should never say publicly or privately, "This one (naming him) wanted to give me his daughter as a wife but I did not want her." For in this way he honors himself and shames another. And thus he must be extremely careful in every matter that no shame should be borne by another because of his words.
Let a man always be among the shamed ones rather than among those who shame others, and among those who hear insults and do not respond, for of them it is said in Judges 5:31 "But they that love Him shall be as the sun when he goes forth in his might". This is commented on in Shabbath 88b: "Measure for measure! Because he heard insult and his face turned pallid (and yet he was silent) God will cause his face to shine more than the light of the sun, as it is similarly said in Isaiah 60:1, 'And the glory of the Lord has shone upon thee.' "
From the sense of shame one reaches humility, for he humbles himself before people because of his sense of shame. And one reaches the state of sincere modesty, since one with a sense of shame will not do any wrong acts openly. The Sages said, "Of good children — a sense of shame is written on their faces, for he who has a sense of shame — it is a sign that he is from the seed of Abraham, Issac and Jacob" (Yebamoth 79a). The Sages said, "A sense of shame is known at a time of anger" (when even his wrath does not cause a man to do or say something of which he will be ashamed.) And they also said, "Easier it is to bear the hatred of a person with a sense of shame than the love of a fool." A man should have a sense of shame before any man and place upon his face the mask of shame that shows his feelings clearly. As you know of in the case of Saul, when he hid because of his modesty, as it is said: "Behold he has hid himself among the baggage" (I Sam. 10:22). And God chose him to be king, as it is said: "Have you seen him whom the Lord has chosen?" (I Sam. 10:24). The Sages said, "This quality of modesty is among the best qualities of a precious soul."
And it perfects the nature of a truly pious man as complete physical health perfects the body. And he who has the sense of shame is of greater worth. The rest you will seek and understand more clearly.
שַׁעַר הַשְּׁלִישִׁי – שַׁעַר הַבּוּשָׁה
Chapter Three: ON SHAME
הַבּוּשָׁה. אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים: הַשֵּׂכֶל הוּא הַבּוּשָׁה, וְהַבּוּשָׁה הוּא הַשֵּׂכֶל. כִּי עַל אָדָם וְחַוָּה נֶאֱמַר (בראשית ב כה): ״וַיִּהְיוּ שְׁנֵיהֶם עֲרוּמִּים הָאָדָם וְאִשְׁתּוֹ, וְלֹא יִתְבֹּשָׁשׁוּ״ – וְלֹא הָיוּ יוֹדְעִים הַצְּנִיעוּת וּלְהַבְחִין בֵּין טוֹב וּבֵין רָע. וּלְאַחַר שֶׁאָכְלוּ מֵעֵץ הַדַּעַת נֶאֱמַר (שם ג ז): ״וַתִּפָּקַחְנָה עֵינֵי שְׁנֵיהֶם״.
The Sages have said: "Intelligence is a sense of shame and a sense of shame is intelligence." For regarding Adam and Eve, it is said: "The two of them were naked and yet they felt no shame" (Gen. 2:25). And they did not understand what modesty is and they could not distinguish between good and evil. But, after they had eaten of the Tree of Knowledge, it is said: "Then the eyes of both of them were opened" (Gen. 3:7).
וְכֵן כָּל בַּעֲלֵי חַיִּים זוּלָתִי הָאָדָם – אֵין לָהֶם בּוּשָׁה, הוֹאִיל וְאֵין לָהֶם חָכְמָה. וְכָל חֲכַם לֵב יוֹדֵעַ מַעֲלַת הַשֵּׂכֶל וְהַחָכְמָה, כִּי בָּהּ יַגִּיעַ אֶל אֲמִתַּת הַדְּבָרִים, וְגַם בָּהּ יַגִּיעַ אֶל יִחוּד בּוֹרְאוֹ בָּרוּךְ הוּא לַעֲבוֹדָתוֹ, וּבָהּ יָכוֹל לְהִדָּמוֹת לַמַּלְאָכִים.
And thus with all living creatures outside of man there is no sense of shame, since they have no wisdom. Every one wise of heart knows the worth of the virtue of intelligence and wisdom, for through this virtue he attains the truth of things and also the concept of the oneness of his Creator, Blessed is He, and how to serve Him — and in serving God man can be like the angels.
וְכֵיוָן שֶׁמַּעֲלַת הַחָכְמָה גְּדוֹלָה כָּל כָּךְ, צְרִיכָה שֶׁתְּהֵא חֲבֶרְתָּהּ הַדּוֹמָה לָהּ, שֶׁהִיא מִדַּת הַבּוּשָׁה, קְרוֹבָה לָהּ. וּרְאָיָה: שֶׁלֹּא רָאִיתָ בַּיְשָׁן חֲסַר דַּעַת, וְלֹא דַּעְתָּן בְּלִי בּוּשָׁה. וְעַל כֵּן רָאוּי לְכָל אָדָם לְהִשְׁתַּדֵּל וּלְהִתְנַהֵג בַּמִּדָּה הַחֲשׁוּבָה הַזֹּאת, לְהִתְחַכֵּם לָהּ עַד שֶׁתְּהֵא קְבוּעָה בְּנַפְשׁוֹ. וְיַגְבִּיר אוֹתָהּ עַל כָּל טְבָעָיו, וְתִהְיֶה בְּעֵינָיו חֲשׁוּבָה מִשְּׁאָר מִדּוֹתָיו, כִּי בָּהּ יַגִּיעַ אֶל רֹב הַמַּעֲלוֹת, וְיִמָּנַע מֵעֲבֵרוֹת וּמִכָּל מִדּוֹת מְגֻנּוֹת. מִדַּת הַבּוּשָׁה הִיא גָּדֵר וּמְחִיצַת הַבַּרְזֶל לִפְנֵי כָּל הָעֲבֵרוֹת. כִּי אָדָם עוֹבֵר כַּמָּה עֲבֵרוֹת בַּסֵּתֶר, מָה שֶׁיִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי בְּנֵי אָדָם.
And since the virtue of wisdom is so great it is necessary that her companion, a sense of shame, who resembles wisdom, should be ever near to her. And the proof of the matter is that you have never seen a man with a sense of shame who is not an intelligent and knowing person, and conversely, you have never seen an intelligent and knowing person who is without the sense of shame. Therefore, it is fitting for every person to try and find pleasure in the exercise of this important virtue, and to cleave to it until it becomes fixed and established in his soul. He must make it the strongest quality in his nature, and it must be in his eyes the most important quality he possesses, for through it he will attain most of the other virtues and will be restrained from sins and from all ugly qualities.
וְכֵן אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים (ברכות כח ב): בִּשְׁעַת פְּטִירַת בֶּן זַכַּאי, אָמְרוּ לוֹ תַּלְמִידָיו: רַבֵּינוּ, בָּרְכֵנוּ! אָמַר לָהֶם: יְהִי רָצוֹן, שֶׁתְּהֵא מוֹרָא שָׁמַיִם עֲלֵיכֶם כְּמוֹרָא בָּשָׂר וָדָם. אָמְרוּ לוֹ: עַד כָּאן וְתוּ לָא?! אָמַר: הַלְוַאי! תֵּדַע, שֶׁהֲרֵי אָדָם עוֹבֵר עֲבֵרָה בַּסֵּתֶר וְאוֹמֵר: לֹא יִרְאַנִי הָאָדָם. וְכָל זֶה מִפְּנֵי שֶׁיָּרֵא שֶׁיָּבוֹא לִידֵי בּוּשָׁה. וְיָשׁוּב מִן הָעֲבֵרוֹת מֵחֲמַת שֶׁיִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִבְּנֵי אָדָם, כִּי מִתּוֹךְ שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁמָהּ – בָּא לִשְׁמָהּ (פסחים נ ב).
The quality of shame is a fence and an iron partition between a man and all manner of sins, for a man may commit many sins in private that he would be ashamed to do in public. An example cited by our Sages: "When Rabbi Johanan ben Zakkai was about to expire, his disciples said to him, 'Our teacher, bless us!' And he said to them, 'May the fear of Heaven be upon you as much as you fear human beings!' They asked in wonder, 'Shall we indeed fear God only as much as we fear human beings and no more?' Whereupon, he said to them, 'Would that it were so, If only you would realize that when a man commits a sin he thinks "I hope no one sees me," (Berachoth 28b). All because he is afraid of being disgraced in the eyes of people, and this fear of disgrace often restrains him from doing a sinful act. Eventually, he will refrain from doing a sinful act from nobler motives (Pesahim 50b).
אֲבָל הַמַּעֲלָה הָעֶלְיוֹנָה מִמִּדַּת הַבּוּשָׁה הוּא שֶׁיִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא, כְּעִנְיָן שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (עזרא ט ו): ״אֱלֹהַי בֹּשְׁתִּי וְנִכְלַמְתִּי לְהָרִים אֱלֹהַי פָּנַי אֵלֶיךָ״. וְאִם תַּחֲשֹׁב: אֵיךְ אֶתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִמִּי שֶׁאֵינִי רוֹאֵהוּ בְּעֵינַי? בֶּאֱמֶת אַתָּה צָרִיךְ לָדַעַת, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא נֶעֱלָם מֵעֵינֵי כָּל חַי, הוּא נִמְצָא בַּלְּבָבוֹת וְנִגְלֶה בַּמַּחֲשָׁבוֹת. וְיַשִּׂיג הַמַּדְרֵגוֹת שֶׁל הַבּוּשָׁה בְּהִתְבּוֹדְדוֹ לַחְשֹׁב בִּגְדֻלַּת הַשֵּׁם בָּרוּךְ הוּא, וּבְזָכְרוֹ תָּמִיד הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא, שֶׁרוֹאֶה מַעֲשָׂיו וּבוֹחֵן כִּלְיוֹתָיו וְצוֹפֶה מַחְשְׁבוֹתָיו. מָשָׁל, אֶחָד מִן הַחֲכָמִים אָמַר: אִם נִזְהַרְתָּ כָּל יָמֶיךָ שֶׁלֹּא חָטָאתָ, אַל תַּחֲזִיק טוֹבָה לְעַצְמְךָ; כִּי תְּחִלַּת עֲזִיבַת הָעֲבֵרוֹת – מֵחֲמַת שֶׁמִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִבְּנֵי אָדָם. לָכֵן צָרִיךְ הָאָדָם לְהִזָּהֵר מְאוֹד בָּזֶה, לְהַעֲלוֹת עַל לִבּוֹ בְּעָזְבוֹ הָעֲבֵרוֹת, שֶׁלֹּא יַעַזְבֵם מִפְּנֵי הַבּוּשָׁה שֶׁל בְּנֵי אָדָם. כִּי הַיֵּצֶר מַמְשִׁיךְ לִבּוֹ לְעִנְיַן זֶה: אִם תַּעֲשֶׂה כָּךְ, יַכְלִימוּךָ בְּנֵי אָדָם. לָכֵן צָרִיךְ הָאָדָם לַעֲשׂוֹת רִאשׁוֹן לְכָל רִאשׁוֹנִים, שֶׁיֵּדַע אֶת יוֹצְרוֹ וְיַכִּיר כּוֹחוֹ, וְיִתֵּן אֶת לִבּוֹ לְמִי יַעֲבֹד וּמִי הוּא יָרֵא, לְמִצְוַת מִי יַעֲשֶׂה וּמִי הִזְהִירוֹ; כְּמוֹ שֶׁאָמַר דָּוִד לִשְׁלֹמֹה בְּנוֹ (דברי הימים א כח ט): ״דַּע אֶת אֱלֹהֵי אָבִיךָ וְעָבְדֵהוּ״. וּבְזֶה הָעִנְיָן יַגִּיעַ שֶׁיִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא בִּלְבַד.
But the highest form of the virtue of shame is that he should be ashamed before the Holy One, Blessed is He, as it is said: "O my God, I am ashamed and blush to lift up my face to Thee" (Ezra 9:6). And if you should think, "How can I be ashamed before Him whom I cannot see with my eyes?" you should truly know that even though the Holy One, Blessed is He, is hidden from the eyes of all the living, He is found in our hearts and is revealed in our thoughts. Man can attain a higher degree in his sense of shame if he meditates in solitude on the greatness of God, Blessed is He, and if he remembers constantly the Holy One, Blessed is He, who sees his deeds and searches the reins and sees his thoughts. As an example, one of our Sages said, "If you have guarded yourself all your days not to sin, do not take credit for yourself because the beginning of turning away from sin lies in your being ashamed of what people will think of you." Therefore, a person should be very careful to guard against this motive and to keep in his heart when he avoids sin that he does not refrain from sin because of shame from his fellows, for the evil desire prompts him to concern himself with the opinion of his fellows, saying, "If you do this people will hold you in contempt." Therefore, a man should place as first above all — that he must know his Creator, recognize His power, and decide in his heart whom he wishes to serve and whom he fears, whose command he wishes to obey and who has warned him. As David said to Solomon, his son: "Know thou the God of thy father and serve Him with a whole heart and with a willing mind" (I Chron. 28:9). In this way he will attain to the degree where he is ashamed only before God.
דָּבָר יָדוּעַ וּבָרוּר, אֲשֶׁר כָּל הָעוֹלָם עוֹשִׂים עִנְיָנִים רַבִּים בַּסֵּתֶר, וְכֵן מְדַבְּרִים בִּדְבָרִים רַבִּים בַּסֵּתֶר וְחוֹשְׁבִים מַחֲשָׁבוֹת רַבּוֹת, וְאֵין חוֹשְׁשִׁין כְּלָל רַק שֶׁלֹּא יִוָּדְעוּ הָעִנְיָנִים. וְאִם הָיוּ כָּל מַעֲשֵׂיהֶם שֶׁעָשׂוּ מִנְּעוּרֵיהֶם, וְכָל הַדְּבָרִים שֶׁדִּבְּרוּ, וְכָל הַמַּחֲשָׁבוֹת שֶׁחָשְׁבוּ גְּלוּיִים וִידוּעִים לְכָל אָדָם – הָיוּ מִתְבַּיְּשִׁים בּוּשָׁה גְּדוֹלָה מְאוֹד. כָּל שֶׁכֵּן וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן שֶׁצָּרִיךְ לְהִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא, הַמַּשְׁקִיף אֶל הַלְּבָבוֹת, וְרוֹאֶה הַמַּחֲשָׁבוֹת, וְיוֹדֵעַ כָּל הַמַּעֲשִׂים וְהַדְּבָרִים וְהַמַּחֲשָׁבוֹת שֶׁעָשָׂה הָאָדָם כָּל יָמָיו, וְאֵין לְפָנָיו שִׁכְחָה – שֶׁצָּרִיךְ לְהִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לְפָנָיו וּלְהִכָּלֵם.
It is clearly known that all people do many things in secret, speak many things in secret, and think many thoughts, and the only thing they fear is that these matters will become known. If all their deeds that they did from their youth and all the words they spoke and all the thoughts they thought were to be exposed and revealed before everyone, they would suffer the greatest embarassment. Then how much more ought one to be ashamed before the Holy One, Blessed is He, who looks into the hearts of men and sees their thoughts and knows all the deeds, words and thoughts that a man has done all his life long, and does not forget — how much more ought we to be ashamed before Him!
אַרְבַּע מַדְרֵגוֹת בַּבּוּשָׁה: הָאֶחָד: הַמִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ לַעֲשׂוֹת עֲבֵרוֹת בְּגָלוּי, וְעוֹשֶׂה עֲבֵרוֹת בַּסֵּתֶר – הֲרֵי זֶה גּוֹנֵב דַּעַת עֶלְיוֹן, שֶׁמִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי הָעוֹלָם וְלֹא לִפְנֵי הַשֵּׁם בָּרוּךְ הוּא. וְרָעָתוֹ רַבָּה מְאוֹד.
There are four stages in a sense of shame. The first is a person who is ashamed to do sins in public and sins in secret. Such a person insults God for he shows that he cares more for people's opinion than he does for God's opinion, and his transgression is a great one.
הַשֵּׁנִי: שֶׁמִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי הָעוֹלָם, וְגַם בַּסֵּתֶר יִמָּנַע מִן הָעֲבֵרוֹת, כִּי יָרֵא שֶׁמָּא יִוָּדַע לִבְנֵי אָדָם, וְיִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵיהֶם. עַל זֶה אָמְרוּ (פסחים נ ב): מִתּוֹךְ שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁמָהּ בָּא לִשְׁמָהּ.
The second is a person who is ashamed to do wrong publicly and holds back from sinning even privately because he feels that somehow his sin will become known and then he will be ashamed before God, Blessed is He, and man (for his fault will be a profanation of the Name.) Of this person our Sages said: "From a base motive he will arrive at following a precept for its own sake" (Pesahim 50b).
הַשְּׁלִישִׁי אִם יַחֲשֹׁב: ״אֵיךְ אֶעֱשֶׂה בַּסֵּתֶר הָרָעָה הַזֹּאת, אֲשֶׁר אֶתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי הָעֶבֶד יוֹתֵר מִלִּפְנֵי הָאָדוֹן, וְאֶגְנוֹב הַדַּעַת הָעֶלְיוֹנָה?!״ – וּמִתּוֹךְ כָּךְ יִמָּנַע מִן הָעֲבֵרָה, מַעֲלָה טוֹבָה הִיא זֹאת.
The third is a person who thinks, "How shall I do this evil in secret and show more shame before a servant (human beings) than before the master (God) and thereby attempt to deceive God." Thus he holds back from the transgression. This is a good virtue.
הָרְבִיעִי אִם יִתְבַּיֵּשׁ הָאָדָם בַּגָּלוּי וּבַסֵּתֶר לִפְנֵי הַשֵּׁם בָּרוּךְ הוּא לְבַד – אֵין מַעֲלָה לְמַעְלָה מִמַּעֲלָה הַזֹּאת.
The fourth is a person who is ashamed before God alone, Blessed is He, for anything wrong he does publicly or privately. There is no quality above this virtue.
אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים (ברכות יב ב): כָּל הָעוֹשֶׂה דְּבַר עֲבֵרָה וּמִתְבַּיֵּשׁ בּוֹ – מוֹחֲלִין לוֹ כָּל עֲוֹנֹתָיו. וְעוֹד אָמְרוּ (אבות ה כ): בֹּשֶׁת פָּנִים לְגַן עֵדֶן. וְאָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים: הַבּוּשָׁה וְהָאֱמוּנָה מְחֻבָּרוֹת זוֹ לְמַעְלָה מִזּוֹ, כִּי הַבַּיְשָׁן מַחֲזִיק בֶּאֱמוּנָה עִם כָּל אָדָם, וּמִי שֶׁאֵינוֹ נֶאֱמָן – אֵין לוֹ בֹּשֶׁת. אָמַר הֶחָכָם: כְּשֶׁאֵינְךָ מִתְבַּיֵּשׁ, תַּעֲשֶׂה כָּל רְצוֹנְךָ.
Our Sages said: "Anyone who does a transgression and is ashamed of his deed is forgiven for all his sins" (Berakoth 12b). And they said further, "He who has a sense of shame is destined for Paradise" (Aboth 5:42). And our Sages said, "Faith and a sense of shame are linked together, for the one who is ashamed before people shows that he believes in people. If he did not believe in the importance and worth of people he would not care for their opinion and therefore would not be ashamed before them." The wise man said, "If it brings you no shame do all that you desire."
יַרְגִּיל אָדָם עַצְמוֹ שֶׁלֹּא יַעֲשֶׂה דָּבָר שֶׁחֲבֵרוֹ מִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לוֹמַר לוֹ. כְּגוֹן אָדָם שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ סֵתֶר, וְנִכְנַס אֶצְלוֹ חֲבֵרוֹ, וּמִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לוֹמַר לוֹ לָצֵאת. אוֹ אִם יִתְאַכְסֵן בְּבֵית חֲבֵרוֹ, וְהוּא מִצְטַעֵר, וּמִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לוֹמַר לוֹ לָצֵאת. אוֹ שֶׁיִּקְרָא כְּתָבִים שֶׁל חֲבֵרוֹ, וַחֲבֵרוֹ מִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לוֹמַר לוֹ שֶׁלֹּא יִקְרָא. וְכָל כַּיּוֹצֵא בָּזֶה.
A man should accustom himself not to do anything that will embarrass his companion and make him too ashamed to protest — as, for example, if he should suddenly enter into the privacy of his companion uninvited or stay as a house guest; and his companion is painfully ashamed to tell him to leave. Or if he reads from the diary, letters or other private papers of his companion and his companion is too embarrassed to tell him not to read his personal papers, and similar instances.
יְדַקְדֵּק מְאוֹד בַּדָּבָר, שֶׁלֹּא יַכְבִּיד עַצְמוֹ בְּשׁוּם דָּבָר, וְשֶׁלֹּא יִשְׁאַל שׁוּם דָּבָר מִמֶּנּוּ בְּמַתָּנָה, אִם לְהַשְׁאִיל כֵּלָיו אִם מְעוֹתָיו, בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁיּוֹדֵעַ שֶׁאֵינוֹ עוֹשֶׂה בְּרָצוֹן וּמִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לְהָשִׁיב פָּנָיו רֵיקָם.
And he should be careful not to impose upon his companion in any way by asking him for something, a gift — or requesting him to loan him some utensils or money when he knows his companion does not do these things willingly but is ashamed to turn the petitioner away empty handed.
וּמִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ מִדַּת הַבּוּשָׁה, קָשֶׁה לוֹ שֶׁחֲבֵרוֹ מִתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ. וְעַל זֶה אָמַר הֶחָכָם: אַל תֹּאהַב אָדָם, אֶלָּא מִי שֶׁמַּרְאֶה עַצְמוֹ שֶׁאֵינוֹ יָכוֹל לַעֲמֹד בִּלְתִּי עֶזְרָתְךָ, וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁאַתָּה צָרִיךְ לְעֶזְרָתוֹ יוֹתֵר מִמָּה שֶׁצָּרִיךְ לְעֶזְרָתְךָ. וְאִם תֶּחֱטָא לוֹ – הוּא יִמְחַל לְךָ, וְיַרְאֶה עַצְמוֹ כְּאִלּוּ הוּא הַחוֹטֵא; וְיִשְׁאַל מִמְּךָ דְּבָרִים שֶׁאֵינוֹ צָרִיךְ, כְּדֵי שֶׁלֹּא תִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִשְׁאוֹל מִמֶּנּוּ.
He who has the quality of shame will find it difficult to bear the fact that his companion is put to shame because of him. On this subject the wise man said, "Love that friend who clearly shows that he cannot do without your help, even though you need his help more than he needs yours, and who forgives you if you wrong him in such a manner that it would appear that he was in the wrong, and asks of you things he does not need in order that you may not be embarassed to ask him for things that you do need."
וְהָרוֹצֶה לְהַרְגִּיל עַצְמוֹ בַּבּוּשָׁה יֵשֵׁב תָּמִיד לִפְנֵי מִי שֶׁמִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִמֶּנּוּ.
He who wishes to accustom himself to having a sense of shame should sit constantly in the presence of those of whom he is ashamed of doing anything wrong in their presence.
וְאַל יְחַלֵּל הֲדַר פָּנָיו לִשְׁאוֹל מִבְּנֵי אָדָם, כִּי כֵּיוָן שֶׁתְּחַלֵּל הֲדַר פָּנֶיךָ – אִי אַתָּה מוֹצֵא מִי שֶׁמְּחַדְּשֵׁהוּ לְךָ.
A man should not lose his dignity by constantly begging favors of people, for if you do lose your dignity you will find it difficult to find some one who will restore it.
יֵשׁ מְבַיֵּשׁ אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ וְלֹא בִּשְׁבִיל שֶׁהוּא שׂוֹנֵא לוֹ, אֶלָּא בִּשְׁבִיל לְסַלֵּק בָּשְׁתּוֹ. כְּגוֹן שֶׁהוּא עוֹשֶׂה דְּבַר בֹּשֶׁת, וְהוּא אוֹמֵר: מֶה עָשִׂיתִי? וַהֲלֹא פְּלוֹנִי וּפְלוֹנִי עָשׂוּ כָּמוֹנִי! וּבָזֶה הוּא מֵקֵל בָּשְׁתּוֹ מִמֶּנּוּ. וְיֵשׁ בָּזֶה רָעוֹת גְּדוֹלוֹת: הָאֶחָד שֶׁהוּא מְבַיֵּשׁ אֲחֵרִים בִּשְׁבִיל הֲנָאָתוֹ. וְהַשֵּׁנִי שֶׁהוּא מִתְקַשֶּׁה בָּזֶה לָשׁוּב, כִּי יַחֲשֹׁב: מֶה עָשִׂיתִי? הֲלוֹא פְּלוֹנִי וּפְלוֹנִי עָשׂוּ כָּךְ! וְהַשְּׁלִישִׁי שֶׁהוּא מַחֲטִיא אֶת הָרַבִּים, כִּי מִתּוֹךְ כָּךְ יִהְיֶה אוֹתוֹ הַחֵטְא קַל בְּעֵינָיו, כֵּיוָן שֶׁהֵסִיר הַבּוּשָׁה מֵאוֹתוֹ חֵטְא.
There is a man who brings shame on his friend not because he hates him but because he wants to free himself from a sense of shame. Such a man says, "What did I do? So and so did the same thing I did." In this way he makes light of his wrongful act. From this great evils follow: First he brings others to shame because he feels less guilty by making light of his sin. Second, he will find it difficult to repent for he thinks, "What did I do? So and so did likewise." And third, he causes others to sin because as long as he removes his own feeling of guilt he will excuse the act in others and even induce them to do likewise.
וְאִם הוּא אוֹמֵר שֶׁקֶר עַל אֲחֵרִים כְּדֵי לְהָקֵל בָּשְׁתּוֹ – אָז עָנְשׁוֹ גָּדוֹל מְאוֹד, שֶׁהוּא נוֹתֵן דֹּפִי בִּכְשֵׁרִים. וְעוֹד הַרְבֵּה רָעוֹת תְּלוּיוֹת בָּזֶה.
And if he lies about others in order to make his guilt and shame seem less, then his guilt is exceedingly great for he ascribes disgrace and shame to good people. And many more evils result from this.
יֵשׁ מִתְבַּיֵּשׁ אִם יִמָּנַע מִן הָעֲבֵרוֹת. כְּגוֹן שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ אַנְשֵׁי עִירוֹ בַּעֲבֵרוֹת יְדוּעוֹת, כְּגוֹן לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בַּנָּשִׁים וְכַיּוֹצֵא בָּזֶה מִשְּׁאָר עֲבֵרוֹת, וּמְבַיְּשִׁים אֶת הַנִּמְנָע מִזֶּה, וּמִתְלוֹצְצִים מִמִּי שֶׁאֵינוֹ הוֹלֵךְ בְּדַרְכֵיהֶם. בָּזֶה צָרִיךְ לְהִתְחַזֵּק לִסְבֹּל הַבֹּשֶׁת, וְצָרִיךְ לִמְנֹעַ מִן הָעֲבֵרוֹת אַף אִם יְבַיְּשׁוּהוּ בַּעֲבוּר מְנִיעָתוֹ.
There is a person who is ashamed of keeping away from sins. For example, where his fellow citizens commit certain sin — as to ogle at women who pass by and similar lewd conduct, and they mock anyone who does not do likewise. In such a case a man ought to strengthen himself to bear the shame they heap upon him and resist sinning no matter how they belittle him for clinging to his morals.
וְכֵן יֵשׁ מִתְבַּיֵּשׁ אִם מְקַיֵּם מִצְווֹת שֶׁלֹּא נָהֲגוּ הָעוֹלָם לְקַיְּמָם. וְהַמְּקַיֵּם מִצְווֹת שֶׁלֹּא נָהֲגוּ הָעוֹלָם, עִם כָּל זֶה צָרִיךְ לִסְבֹּל וּלְקַיֵּם הַמִּצְווֹת הָהֵם; וְאֵין לְהַנִּיחַ שׁוּם מִצְוָה בַּעֲבוּר הַבּוּשָׁה, כִּי צָרִיךְ לְהִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִפְנֵי הַבּוֹרֵא יִתְבָּרַךְ שֶׁצִּוָּה עַל הַמִּצְווֹת.
And there is he who is ashamed when he follows certain commandments of the Torah that many people no longer follow, and these people laugh at him for following these "outmoded precepts". He should bear their mockery and fulfill the commandment. And a person should never abandon any precept or religious practice because he is ashamed to perform it before people, for he should rather be ashamed before the Creator, may He be Blessed, who commanded the performance of these precepts.
כִּי זֶה דָּבָר בָּרוּר שֶׁעֶבֶד הַמֶּלֶךְ לֹא יַעֲזֹב מִצְוַת הַמֶּלֶךְ, גַּם אִם יִסְבֹּל בֹּשֶׁת גָּדוֹל מִן הָעוֹלָם הַמְשַׂחֲקִים עָלָיו בַּעֲשׂוֹתוֹ מָה שֶׁצִּוָּהוּ אֲדוֹנָיו. וּמִי שֶׁאֵינוֹ סוֹבֵל הַבּוּשָׁה בִּמְקוֹם הַמִּצְוָה, וּמִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לַעֲשׂוֹת הַמִּצְוָה, וְעוֹזֵב דֶּרֶךְ הַטּוֹב בַּעֲבוּר הַבּוּשָׁה – זוֹ הַבּוּשָׁה רָעָה מְאוֹד. וְכֵן אִם יִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לְהוֹדוֹת עַל הָאֱמֶת – גַּם זֶה חֹלִי רָע מְאוֹד. וְכֵן אִם יִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לְהוֹכִיחַ בְּנֵי אָדָם וּלְצַוּוֹת לָהֶם עַל הַטּוֹב. וְכֵן אִם יָשַׁב לִפְנֵי רַבּוֹ וּמִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִשְׁאוֹל מָה שֶׁאֵינוֹ יוֹדֵעַ, הֵן קָטָן הֵן גָּדוֹל – זֶה מְגֻנֶּה מְאוֹד. וְעַל זֶה אָמַר הַכָּתוּב (משלי ל לב): ״אִם נָבַלְתָּ בְּהִתְנַשֵּׂא, וְאִם זַמּוֹתָ יָד לְפֶה״. וְאָמְרוּ הַחֲכָמִים (אבות ב ה): לֹא הַבַּיְשָׁן לָמֵד. אֶלָּא הַדֶּרֶךְ הַיָּשָׁר הוּא שֶׁלֹּא יִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לִשְׁאוֹל מָה שֶׁאֵינוֹ יוֹדֵעַ, הֵן קָטָן הֵן גָּדוֹל. הֲלוֹא תִּרְאֶה דָּוִד מֶלֶךְ יִשְׂרָאֵל, שֶׁאָמַר (תהלים קיט מו): ״וַאֲדַבְּרָה בְעֵדֹתֶיךָ נֶגֶד מְלָכִים וְלֹא אֵבוֹשׁ״.
For it is clear that the servant of a king will not abandon the king's command though he bears much shame from everyone who may laugh at him for performing that which his king commanded him. And he who cannot bear the shame in performing the precept and is ashamed to fulfill the command of God — and thus forsakes the path of good out of fear of shame — this kind of shame is very evil. And thus, if he is ashamed to admit the truth, this too is an evil disease. And thus, if he is too shy to rebuke people and command them to do good. And thus if he sits before his teacher and is too ashamed to ask what he does not know, whether it be a small matter or a big matter, such an attitude is very ugly. In these cases Scripture says: "Do not act foolishly by exalting yourself nor by cunningly keeping silent" (Prov. 30:32). And our Sages of Blessed Memory said: "The one who is ashamed (to ask questions) does not learn" (Aboth 2:5). The proper way is never to be ashamed to ask concerning what one does not know whether it be a small matter or a large one. Did you not see that David, King of Israel, said in Psalms 119:46: "And I will speak of Thy testimonies before kings and I shall not be ashamed."
חָסִיד נִקְרָא עַל שֵׁם הַבֹּשֶׁת, כִּי ״חָסִיד״ לָשׁוֹן ״לָבָן״ הוּא, כִּי תַּרְגּוּמָא שֶׁל ״וְהַחֲסִידָה״ הוּא ״חָוָרִתָא״ (ויקרא יא יט). וְכֵן ״וְלֹא עַתָּה פָּנָיו יֶחֱוָרוּ״ (ישעיהו כט כב). תַּרְגּוּם שֶׁל ״חֶרְפָּה״ הוּא ״חִסּוּדָא״. וְכָל זֶה לָמָּה? כִּי הֶחָסִיד צָרִיךְ לִסְבֹּל בֹּשֶׁת כְּדֵי לְקַיֵּם אֶת הַתּוֹרָה, וְצָרִיךְ לְהַעֲבִיר מֵעַל פָּנָיו הַבֹּשֶׁת בִּמְקוֹם מִצְוָה; וְאָז נִקְרָא ״חָסִיד״, וּבָזֶה יַגִּיעַ לִנְבוּאָה, כְּדִכְתִיב (תהלים פט כ): ״אָז דִּבַּרְתָּ בְחָזוֹן לַחֲסִידֶיךָ״. וְיַגִּיעַ בְּבָשְׁתּוֹ לִידֵי יִרְאַת שָׁמַיִם, כְּדִכְתִיב (שמות כ יז): ״וּבַעֲבוּר תִּהְיֶה יִרְאָתוֹ עַל פְּנֵיכֶם, לְבִלְתִּי תֶּחֱטָאוּ״ – אֵיזֶהוּ יִרְאָה שֶׁהִיא נִכֶּרֶת עַל הַפָּנִים? הֱוֵי אוֹמֵר: זוֹ הַבּוּשָׁה (נדרים כ א).
A pious man is so called because he has a sense of shame, for the word 'hassid' or 'pious' means 'white', for the translation of 'stork' (Hassidah) in Aramaic is "hawaeita" meaning "the white one", as you note in Leviticus 11:19, and similarly in Isaiah 29:22: "Neither shall his face now become white" (with shame), and the Aramaic translation of "herpah" (shame) is hisda (same as Hassid), as you will note in Genesis 34:14. And all of this for what reason? That the Hassid or pious person must bear shame in order to fulfill the Torah, and he must remove shame from his face at performing any precept. Then he is called a Hassid or "pious one", and thus he attains to prophecy as it is written: "Then didst Thou speak in vision to Thy pious ones" (Ps. 89:20). And through his sense of shame he will attain to true reverence of God, as it is written: "In order that His awe be upon your faces and you do not sin" (Exod. 20:20). What kind of awe or fear of God can be seen in a person's face? You must surely say, "A sense of shame" (which causes the face to change color) (Nedarim 20a).
וְיִזָּהֵר מְאוֹד שֶׁלֹּא לְבַיֵּשׁ שׁוּם אָדָם, כִּי אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים (בבא מציעא נט א): הַמַּלְבִּין אֶת פְּנֵי חֲבֵרוֹ בָּרַבִּים – אֵין לוֹ חֵלֶק לָעוֹלָם הַבָּא. אֲבַק הָרְצִיחָה הִיא הַלְבָּנַת פָּנִים, כִּי אָזֵל סֻמָּקָא וְאָתֵי חִוָּרָא (שם נח ב), וְדוֹמֶה לִרְצִיחָה. וְכֵן אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים עוֹד (ברכות מג ב): צַעַר הַהַלְבָּנָה מַר מִמָּוֶת, עַל כֵּן יַפִּיל אָדָם אֶת עַצְמוֹ לְתוֹךְ כִּבְשַׁן הָאֵשׁ וְאַל יַלְבִּין פְּנֵי חֲבֵרוֹ בָּרַבִּים. וְלָמְדוּ מִתָּמָר: אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהוֹצִיאוּהָ לְהִשָּׂרֵף – לֹא רָצְתָה לְהַלְבִּין פְּנֵי יְהוּדָה. וַאֲפִלּוּ בִּמְקוֹם תּוֹכֵחָה אָמְרָה תּוֹרָה (ויקרא יט יז): ״וְלֹא תִשָּׂא עָלָיו חֵטְא״. כֵּיצַד? תּוֹכִיחַ מִתְּחִלָּה בְּסֵתֶר וּבְנַחַת. אֲבָל אִם תּוֹכִיחֵהוּ מִתְּחִלָּה בָּרַבִּים וּתְבַיְּשֶׁנּוּ – אָז תְּקַבֵּל עָלָיו חֵטְא (ערכין טז ב). מִכָּל שֶׁכֵּן הַמְבַיֵּשׁ חֲבֵרוֹ שֶׁלֹּא בִּמְקוֹם תּוֹכֵחָה.
And one should be very careful not to shame any man for the Sages said: "He who whitens (shames) the face of another in public has no portion in the world to come" (Baba Mezià 59a). To whiten another's face is like murder, for the red departs and the white comes (thus one is spilling the blood of the shamed one within him) (Ibid., 58b). And the Sage said further: The pain of shame is worse than death. A person should allow himself to be burnt alive and not shame his fellow in public. And they learned this from Tamar who, even though they brought her forth to be burned, did not want to shame Judah (Berakoth 43b). And even when you are required to rebuke another the Torah says: "You shall surely rebuke your neighbor and not bear sin because of him" (Lev. 19:17). How shall you rebuke? At first, secretly and gently. However if you rebuke him at the beginning in public and shame him, then you have sinned because of this, (Arakin 16b). And this is all the more true where one shames another where no rebuke is called for.
וְחֻרְבַּן יְרוּשָׁלַיִם נִתְגַּלְגֵּל עַל יְדֵי בֹּשֶׁת דְּבַר קַמְצָא (גיטין נה ב).
And the destruction of Jerusalem was caused because of the shaming of Bar Kamtzah (Gittin 55b).
לָכֵן צָרִיךְ הָאָדָם לִזָּהֵר מְאוֹד, שֶׁלֹּא יַעֲשֶׂה דָּבָר אֲשֶׁר יַגִּיעַ מִזֶּה לְשׁוּם אָדָם בָּעוֹלָם בֹּשֶׁת. גַּם בְּדִבְרֵי תוֹרָה, אִם יִשָּׂא וְיִתֵּן עִם חֲבֵרוֹ וְשָׁמַע שֶׁחֲבֵרוֹ טָעָה, לֹא יֹאמַר לוֹ ״טָעִיתָ״ אוֹ ״אֵינְךָ מֵבִין״ אוֹ כַּיּוֹצֵא בָּהּ, שֶׁלֹּא יִתְבַּיֵּשׁ. אַךְ יַעֲשֶׂה עַצְמוֹ כְּאִלּוּ לֹא הֵבִין שֶׁטָּעָה. וְכֵן לֹא יְכַנֶּה שֵׁם לַחֲבֵרוֹ, שֶׁלֹּא יִתְבַּיֵּשׁ. אֶלָּא אִם יַחְפֹּץ לְדַבֵּר עַל מִי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ כִּנּוּי, גַּם שֶׁלֹּא בְּפָנָיו, יֹאמַר ״פְּלוֹנִי מִמָּקוֹם פְּלוֹנִי״ אוֹ ״בְּנוֹ שֶׁל פְּלוֹנִי״, אוֹ יֹאמַר סִימָנִים עַד שֶׁיְּהֵא נִכָּר זוּלַת הַכִּנּוּי.
Therefore, one should be most careful not to do anything that will cause anyone in the world shame. Even when he discusses Torah with another and hears his companion make a mistake, he should not say to him, "You made a mistake!" or "You don't understand!" or any similar expression, so that his companion be not shamed, but he should pretend that he is not aware that his companion made a mistake. Nor in conversing should he directly refer by nickname to a man so as not to embarrass him. But if he wants to speak with someone who has a nickname, or even about him out of his presence, he should say, "So and so, from such and such a place" or "the son of so and so" or mention a few characteristics that will identify him without using the nickname.
וְלֹא יֹאמַר אָדָם בָּרַבִּים אוֹ בִּיחִידִי ״פְּלוֹנִי רָצָה לִתֵּן לִי בִּתּוֹ, וַאֲנִי לֹא רָצִיתִי אוֹתָהּ״ – כִּי בָּזֶה הוּא נוֹתֵן כָּבוֹד לְעַצְמוֹ וּבֹשֶׁת לַחֲבֵרוֹ. וְכֵן יְדַקְדֵּק בְּכָל עִנְיָן שֶׁלֹּא יַגִּיעַ בֹּשֶׁת לַחֲבֵרוֹ מִתּוֹךְ דְּבָרָיו.
And a man should never say publicly or privately, "This one (naming him) wanted to give me his daughter as a wife but I did not want her." For in this way he honors himself and shames another. And thus he must be extremely careful in every matter that no shame should be borne by another because of his words.
לְעוֹלָם יִהְיֶה אָדָם מִן הַנֶּעֱלָבִין וְאֵינָן עוֹלְבִין, וּמִן הַשּׁוֹמְעִין אֶת חֶרְפָּתָם וְאֵינָם מְשִׁיבִים. וַעֲלֵיהֶם נֶאֱמַר (שופטים ה לא): ״וְאֹהֲבָיו כְּצֵאת הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ בִּגְבֻרָתוֹ״ (שבת פח ב) – מִדָּה כְּנֶגֶד מִדָּה: יַעַן אֲשֶׁר שָׁמַע חֶרְפָּתוֹ וְנֶהְפְּכוּ פָּנָיו לְיֵרָקוֹן, יַבְהִיקֵם הַקָּדוֹשׁ בָּרוּךְ הוּא יוֹתֵר מֵאוֹר הַשֶּׁמֶשׁ, כְּעִנְיָן שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (ישעיהו ס א): ״וּכְבוֹד יְיָ עָלַיִךְ זָרָח״.
Let a man always be among the shamed ones rather than among those who shame others, and among those who hear insults and do not respond, for of them it is said in Judges 5:31 "But they that love Him shall be as the sun when he goes forth in his might". This is commented on in Shabbath 88b: "Measure for measure! Because he heard insult and his face turned pallid (and yet he was silent) God will cause his face to shine more than the light of the sun, as it is similarly said in Isaiah 60:1, 'And the glory of the Lord has shone upon thee.' "
מִמִּדַּת הַבּוּשָׁה יַגִּיעַ לָעֲנָוָה, כִּי יִכָּנַע לִבְנֵי אָדָם מֵחֲמַת בָּשְׁתּוֹ. וְיַגִּיעַ לְמִדַּת הַצְּנִיעוּת, כִּי הַבַּיְשָׁן יִתְבַּיֵּשׁ לַעֲשׂוֹת מַעֲשָׂיו בְּגָלוּי. אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים: הַבָּנִים הַכְּשֵׁרִים הַבֹּשֶׁת נִרְאֶה עַל פְּנֵיהֶם, כִּי מִי שֶׁהוּא בַּיְשָׁן הוּא סִימָן שֶׁהוּא מִזֶּרַע אַבְרָהָם יִצְחָק וְיַעֲקֹב (יבמות עט א). אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים: הַבֹּשֶׁת נוֹדַעַת בְּעֵת הַכַּעַס. וְאָמְרוּ: טוֹב שִׂנְאַת הַבַּיְשָׁן מֵאַהֲבַת הַכְּסִיל. צָרִיךְ אָדָם לְהִתְבַּיֵּשׁ מִכָּל אָדָם, וְלָשׁוּם עַל פָּנָיו מַסְוֶה הַבּוּשָׁה, כְּמוֹ שֶׁאַתָּה יָדַעְתָּ בְּעִנְיָן שָׁאוּל בְּהֵחָבְאוֹ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (שמואל א י כב): ״הִנֵּה הוּא נֶחְבָּא אֶל הַכֵּלִים״. וְהָאֵל בְּחָרוֹ לְמַלְכוּתוֹ, כְּמוֹ שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר (שם פסוק כד): ״הַרְּאִיתֶם אֲשֶׁר בָּחַר בּוֹ יְיָ״. אָמְרוּ חֲכָמִים: הַמִּדָּה הַזֹּאת הִיא מִמַּעַלְלֵי הַנֶּפֶשׁ הַיְּקָרָה,
From the sense of shame one reaches humility, for he humbles himself before people because of his sense of shame. And one reaches the state of sincere modesty, since one with a sense of shame will not do any wrong acts openly. The Sages said, "Of good children — a sense of shame is written on their faces, for he who has a sense of shame — it is a sign that he is from the seed of Abraham, Issac and Jacob" (Yebamoth 79a). The Sages said, "A sense of shame is known at a time of anger" (when even his wrath does not cause a man to do or say something of which he will be ashamed.) And they also said, "Easier it is to bear the hatred of a person with a sense of shame than the love of a fool." A man should have a sense of shame before any man and place upon his face the mask of shame that shows his feelings clearly. As you know of in the case of Saul, when he hid because of his modesty, as it is said: "Behold he has hid himself among the baggage" (I Sam. 10:22). And God chose him to be king, as it is said: "Have you seen him whom the Lord has chosen?" (I Sam. 10:24). The Sages said, "This quality of modesty is among the best qualities of a precious soul."
וְהִיא לְעֻמַּת הַשְׁלָמַת הַגּוּף. וּמִי שֶׁמִּתְבַּיֵּשׁ – תִּגְדַּל מַעֲלָתוֹ. וְיוֹתֵר תַּבְחִין וְתִתְבּוֹנֵן.
And it perfects the nature of a truly pious man as complete physical health perfects the body. And he who has the sense of shame is of greater worth. The rest you will seek and understand more clearly.