כל דברינו בכל הקונטרס גם כל החסידות יכולים להתקיים באיש שהוא ממארי דחושבנא, כי זהו יסוד העבודה בכלל ועבודת החסידות בפרט. הנה הבאנו לעיל מספה״ק שבשעת תורה ותפילה לא יעשה חשבונות, אבל רק בשעה זו לא יעשה החשבונות מפני שתורה תפילה ועבודה צריכות להיות בהתחזקות ושמחה, וזה א״א בשעה שמסתכל בראי׳ אמיתית ורואה את מצבו באמת. אבל כמו שא״א לתורה ותפילה בשעה אחת עם חשבון הנפש, כן א״א להן בלעדו לגמרי, היינו במי שאינו מסתכל בעצמו ואינו מכניע ומדכא את רוחו בשום פעם. לכן חוב על כל אחד לעשות לו זמנים להסתכלות הזאת. כפי שאיתא בספ״ק נוח לבחור ע״ז השעות שרוחו של האיש נדכא מאיזה דאגה אפילו גופניות ועניני צרכיו. ואם סתם יעיד לו איזה זמן לזה, יקדים מעת לעת למעט במאכל ומשתה, לא שיתענה רק שימעט בהם כדי שיהי׳ לבו נכנע ורוחו נדכא ומוכשר לראי׳ וחשבון הזה.
Everything we can know from the pages of this book, and everything we can learn and do from the teachings of Chassidus, can only be fully realized if we take a make a hard and honest account of our soul, called in Hebrew, a “cheshbon nefesh.” It is the foundation of avodah in general, and of the avodah of Chassidus in particular. First, let it be clear that at certain times, a cheshbon nefesh is not in your better interests. We already mentioned the problems involved in making a cheshbon nefesh while you are engaged in prayer or Torah study. Your feel your “best davening,” and your most lucid and insightful Torah study when you are in good spirits and in agreement with God’s desires (b’simchah),290And inversely, when you are making an account of your life, you are debating whether the expression of you personal wants are for or against God’s desires. Such conflicts result in anything from annoyance to melancholy. as well as when you are confident and resolved in your goals (b’hischazkus). It is impossible to feel such joy and confidence when you go deep inside and take an honest look at matters of the soul that you generally avoid. But just as you can’t learn or daven (simultaneously) with it, you also can’t learn or daven successfully without it. That is to say, a man who avoids looking at his true place in the world, bowing his head to the truth and breaking his heart over his own insincerity, cannot stand before God and speak or hear God’s word in the Torah. For this reason, man is required to take account of his soul from time to time. The holy masters have said that the best time for a cheshbon nefesh is when he is disturbed by some worry, or even in the midst of some physical or financial hardship. But if he is in a good, comfortable state of mind and body, and he just wants to incorporate a cheshbon nefesh into his avodah, then he should take care to eat and drink less. Not that he has to fast completely,291The Rebbe actually says that he should not fast. The way of Chassidus as taught by the Holy Baal Shem Tov is against fasting and mortification of the flesh, as the power of simchah is greater than the power of tears. Of course, sadness and depression are forces of evil that needs to be fought with bravery, but there is a great difference than a broken heart and depression. A man of feeling will need to learn how to use his sensitivity, his “broken heart,” or strife of the spirit in order to feel the world and thereby take charge of his life and soul. This cannot be done in the doldrums of hopelessness where a man relinquishes his confidence and, God forbid until the redemption, accept the evils that terrorize such hope. The Gemara tells us why we fast, the halacha teaches us when, and, somewhat, how to fast, but that is not enough. Chassidus, the inner, modern message which conveys the meaning of the Torah and halacha, shows us not just the dangers of fasting or eating, or just the way to be outwardly holy, but what a man can do with his avodah to find joy and solace within all of the overwhelming reality and “emes” that he confronts. In short, it confronts the onslaught of harsh reality and transforms it into a brave and honest expression of a devoted personality by resolving his conflicts about his avodah. All agree that the point of fasting is not to suffer for suffering’s sake, but an external avodah to awaken an inner change for the better. Here the Rebbe is simply adding to this that, yes, the main point is not the hunger, but the positive transformation that the hunger inspires, which is just not possible without a cheshbon nefesh. Rav Shloimele Z”l once said in the name of the Rebbes, “On Tisha B’av we are so broken over the destruction of the Temple, who can eat? But on Yom Kippur, it is so awesome, mammash, (really) who needs to eat!” (Mammash means real. The usage, “awesome, mammash” can be understood as an intense feeling of the revelation of the soul.) but for a cheshbon nefesh, he needs to, at least, reach the point where his spirit and selfish desires are subdued so as to be in a willing state of mind to confront the truth.
3
ולא שיעשה את מעשהו בחפזון רק יחשוב בדעתו כאילו עומד עתה בגופו נפשו רוחו ונשמתו לדין, אך לא הבית דין של מעלה ידונו אותו עתה רק הוא עצמו. וע״י שירבה להסתכל בקרבו באמת ויכנע לפניו יתברך, יקל דינו בזה ובבא בבית דין של מעלה, כי ד׳ אומר הנני נשפט אותך על אומרך לא חטאתי, ולהיפך כשיש דין למטה אין דין למעלה.
Not a man in the midst of a cheshbon nefesh should do it in a rushed, off handed way. He should feel as if he is standing trial before the court. That is to say, he needs to reach a real awareness that his body, desires, and very soul292Nefesh, Ruach, and Neshama, deepening levels of soul. are all standing in judgment. They are not being judged by the Heavenly Court, but by man himself. The more honest he is in his introspection, and according to the degree to which he bows his head before the Almighty whose life is in His hands, the more the One who sits in Judgment will be lenient in His ruling. This is an explanation of what God meant when He said, “Behold I will bring you to judgment for saying, I have not sinned.”293Yirmiyahu, 2:35 Simply put, when there is judgment below, (and man is honest with himself and his relationship to God’s Law), then there is no judgment above, (for He will suspend the sentence.) 294In my ignorance of Divine court procedure, I ask myself, “could the sentence sometimes be suspended conditionally, and at other times unconditionally?” But regardless of Divine calculations that are hidden from us, it seems that God said to Yirmiyahu that if we claim our innocence, He will then not only have to punish us for negligent actions, but also for lying – to God and to ourselves. However, if we judge ourselves honesty, for better or worse, we know what is incumbent upon us to do, then the Merciful Judge will suspend judgment and give us time to make amends. The man is taking a candid look at himself and asking himself certain questions. The proceedings of his own evaluation require that he first confronts and accepts his true feelings so as to gain a clear view of his merits and mistakes. He asks himself where he is standing with God. “I know we all accepted the Torah, and continue to do so in every generation, but what about me? Have God and I really come to an agreement concerning … ?” And if he feels he is at all negligent, then he needs humility and bravery. He needs the humility to bow his head before the Almighty One who gives him life and the bravery to take it upon himself to mend his ways. If you consider the historical context, you can clearly see why the Rebbe was writing this book with such passion. It was and still is in order to save us from punishment.
4
ותחשוב מגדלות ד׳ יתברך שא״א לשום מלאך וכל שכן לשום איש להשיג, אבל גם הקומץ ומעט מן המעט אשר אתה יודע מגדלותו יתברך די לך להמק את לבך בתשובה לפניו יתברך. ובמחשבתך אשר נתחזקה חשוב את כל העולמות, הנה עולם העשי׳ עם כל נפלאותיו ועד רום השמים וצבאיו. ובדמיונך שנתעלה ונתקדש הוי מציץ אל על עולם היצירה עם מלאכיו, עולם הבריאה וכסאותיו, ועד עולם האצילות וספירותיו הקדושות. נשמות האבות הנביאים תנאים אמוראים בעלי קבלה וחסידות וכל הצדיקים. וכלם בטלים ומבוטלים אל האל הגדול והקדוש המרומם על כל ברכה ותהלה, ממלא כל עלמין וסובב כל עלמין אין סוף ואין תכלית עובדים אותו ושרים שירות ותשבחות לשמי׳ רבה, ורק אני הקטן שבקטנים הגרוע והאפס העזתי ח״ו לפרוק עולו מעלי ולמרוד בחטאותי נגדו יתברך. ואיך באמת העזתי כל כך נגדו יתברך, איך נגד כל צדיקיו חסידיו מלאכי ושרפי אל כל כך חצפתי.
Consider the greatness of God. It is impossible for man or even angels to fathom. But even if a grain of the knowledge of God’s greatness were to pass through your heart of stone for a fraction of a second, then if would be enough to melt it and return you to the fold before the Master of All.295As was noted above from the Besht, with the Eternal, the Infinite, if you hold on to a part, you are holding on the whole. Now that you have intensified your thoughts, apply your new found ability and contemplate all of the worlds, from the physical world (assiyah) and all of its wonders,296The Rambam similarly encourages us to study biology, physics, and astronomy, as a greater appreciation of the creation will increase our love and fear of the Creator. “From my flesh I shall see God.” The Baal Shem Tov was so divinely inspired that he could look at a table or cabinet and know what the carpenter was thinking while he was making it. We are far from such heights, but we are encouraged to follow the same techniques of deep contemplation and intense thought in applications suited to our own levels and abilities. to the heights of heaven and its host.297“Hevei Metsits,” means, take a glimpse. Both Shlomo haMelech (see next footnote below) and Chazal used this word for contemplation of hidden matters, which could include Maase Merkava and Maase bereshit. (The mysteries of Divine conduct and the mystery of Creation). If the chassid has come this far, applying all of the advice given, he is truly, “mevin m’daato,” a wise, intelligent person, a man dedicated to keeping the Torah, and most likely wears a beard and has a wife. He may not know all of the “eybayot of Abaye and Rava,” the Rambam’s colorful expression for being expert in the Gemara, but the important thing is that he truly wants to be and fixes times for Torah study. In short, if he wants to, he can learn Kaballah. The Rebbe, a faithful guide, has been preparing the chicks to fly from the nest, and learn to fly on their own. The Rebbe as an educator teaches the Chassid to soar in the mind and soul to the inner spaces and abstract realms, all the way to the world that flows forth from Endless Infininty. But beware, Four went in and only one came out in peace. (Chagigah, 14b) It is crucial to follow the advice provided in this book with great care, as its advice is for your own safety and well-being. If the advice in this book has been adequately applied up to this point, it seems that the Avreich is ready to begin introductory contemplation of Divine spaces. Take a glimpse298The Shir Hashirim says, “who is that standing behind our wall, glimpsing through the cracks.” The wall is the concealment of God’s presence and the concealment of the soul. God sees his servants who truly love and fear him “glimpsing” at what they largely cannot see. There is a way to truly to feel and see these worlds if we bear in mind that it is only an impression on our souls and minds in the lower realms that shows us what is going on above. beyond with your inspired and holy imagination. Envision the world of yetsirah (formation) and its angels, the world of beriyah (creation) and its heavenly thrones, up to the world of atsilus (emanation from the Infinite) and its holy sefiros. In these realms, the souls of the Patriarchs, the prophets, and the Sages, the masters of Kabbalah and Chassidus – all of the Tsaddikim – are all nullified in a state of holy bittul before the All-Powerful, the Holy and Exaulted One, the One above all blessing and praise, who fills all of the worlds and surrounds all of the worlds, the Eternal and the Endless. There they serve Him, singing praises to His great Name. And in contemplating this, I look at myself in relation to the holy souls and spaces. Even though I am the smallest of the small, I own up to my own impunity in throwing the yoke off of my neck and rebelling against His wishes. How could I have been so brazen, so unabashedly shameful as to do this before God’s presence, and before all of His Tsaddikim, holy souls, and holy angels?
5
ותעבור במחשבתך את חטאיך ומכשוליך מאז, אף את לשון הרע רכילות שפת שקר חנופה וכו׳ אשר אתה עובר. את מחשבותיך רצוניותיך הגרועים. גם תפילותיך ובילבוליך אשר במחשבתך בתפילה תעבור במחשבתך. וראה נא גם ראה את תקוני התשובה האמורים בכתבי האר״י הק׳ זצוק״ל, כמה תעניתים למאות צריכים להתענה על כל חטא ופשע. הן עתה בדורות חלשים האלו הקלו לנו הבעש״ט ושאר הצדיקים בהם, ולא עוד אלא שגם פעלו לנו תקונים ע״י תיקוני המדות תורה ותפילה בלב ונפש אהבה ויראה. אבל עכ״פ את דכאות ושברון הרוח ענוה ושפלות אשר פעלו התעניתים וסיגופים בבעלי התשובה אז, נחיצות גם לנו לתשובתנו.
Think about all of your mistakes and indiscretions, your abuses of the Law as well as your fellow man’s trust, your lashon ha’rah and your tale-bearing, your flattery and your lies. Think about your low thoughts and desires. Think about the jumble of thoughts messing up your tefillah.299Some examples might be blessing ha’eyts on a cookie, standing amidah saying birchat hamazon, or even carelessly slurring the words of the tefillah, or thinking about other matters during davening. Now turn to consider the numerous fasts that the Ari z”l proscribed as a rectification for transgressions, sometimes requiring hundreds of days of fasting.300The Rebbe Zts”l is referring to the Sha’ar Ruach HaKodesh of the Arizal, which prescribes a specific number of fast days for each transgression in question. Yet due to the weakness of our generation, the Baal Shem Tov and other Tsaddikim have been lenient with us, telling us that we don’t need to fast, but can do teshuvah by means of fixing our middos, learning, and davening with a full heart, a willing soul, with love, and with awe.301The Sefer Baal Shem Tov (a collection of the Besht’s teachings taken from 210 different Chasidishe sefarim) tells us that every time you immerse in the mikveh it is considered as if you had fasted. (This does not include waving your hand in and out of the water during one immersion, but that is just my opinion.) Another teaching tells us that the Chassidim of the Besht once asked him why he didn’t prescribe penitential fasts and mortifications of the flesh like the Tsaddikim of previous generations. He answered, “I came into the world to teach three kinds of love – the love of God, the love of Torah, and the love of the people Israel. With all of this love, who needs to fast!” We may not have to fast, but integral to our present teshuvah is the same nullification of ego and broken spirit that was part and parcel of the fasts of our predecessors.
6
וכה תתמרמר אף תבכה עד אשר תרגיש שבאמת שברה לבך ורוחך בקרבך. אמור תהלים ותתחנן ותבקש מן האל טוב וסלח שירחם עליך ולא ישליכך מעל פני קדושתו יתברך, רק יקרבך אליו ברחמים רבים. ואז תתחזק ותאמן שד׳ קיבל את תשובתך ויקרבך אליו, כמו שהבאנו לעיל מקדושינו שבשביל זה מברכים ברכה בשם ומלכות חנון המרבה לסלוח מפני שודאי הוא שיקבלנו בתשובה.
Brood and even cry in this way until you have truly broken your heart and your spirit within you. Say Tehillim. Beg God to be kind and forgiving, to be merciful with you. You cry out to Him and you say, “don’t to cast you away from Your holy presence, but rather bring me close to You.” Then make yourself strong and believe that God indeed accepts your teshuvah, and brings you close to Him. Earlier we explained that we are confident that God forgives us because the Law itself tells us to bless God as, “the merciful One who is great in forgiveness.” Surely He would not want us to say an unwarranted blessing, so it must be that He indeed forgives us.
7
אבל גם תמיד גם בימים ושעות שאינך חושב עם נפשך את חשבונה הנ״ל, גם אז לא תדמה בדעתך כי צדיק ונקי מכל פשע אתה, גם אז תזכור שהרבה חסרונים ופגמים במדותיך נטיותיך וכו׳ לתקנם. והחילוק הוא, שבשעת החשבון גם רעת חטאיך שכבר עברת הם נגד עיניך ממש ומתמרמר עליהם מאוד, ושלא בשעת החשבון, מחטאיך שכבר עברת, רק תדע, כמי שזוכר דבר מרחוק, ורק בכללם תדע אותם שחטאת, כדי להכנע, ולא לפרטיותיהם. וכמו שאיתא באגרות התשובה מהרב הק׳ זצוקל״ה י״א על הפסוק ״וחטאתי נגדי תמיד״, כמו ״ואתה תתיצב מנגד״, מנגד סביב לאוהל מועד יחנו שפרש״י מרחוק עיין שם. היינו שתמיד חטאתי נגדי תמיד רק מרחוק.
These are specific times that you have set aside for a particularly intense cheshbon nefesh, but at all other times, don’t fancy yourself a Tsaddik, clean from any hint of sin. Then, too, remember that you have many faults and character defects, and you need to take care of them. The difference between these two times is that at the time you have allocated for an intense cheshbon nefesh, the sins you have committed are right there before you, and you feel tremendous bitterness and regret over them. But at other times, you admit that you did them, but they don’t have the poignant immediacy that they do at the time of the cheshbon nefesh. You know in general that you made mistakes, and as you bow your head you admit that you have much to learn, but you don’t have to go into your mistakes with fine detail and cry over each one as you would in the midst of a cheshbon nefesh. The Iggeros HaTeshuvah of the first Lubavitcher Rebbe interprets the verse, “and my sin is before me always,” “before me, but separated by a distance.” The word in the Tehillim for “before me,” is, “negdi,” which also appears in the description of how the twelve tribes encamped around the Tabernacle in the wilderness, “they shall camp far (mineged) from the tent of meeting.”302Bamidbar, 2:2 see Rashi. The point is that although one always needs to be aware of his sins, still, they are to be kept at a reasonable distance except at a time of cheshbon nefesh.
8
אבל זהו רק לענין החטאים שעברת, משא״כ לפגמיך וחסרונותיך אשר במדותיך ונטיותיך שעליך להיטיבם לרפאותם ולתקנם צריך אתה ליתן לב, לפעמים יותר תכופות, ומדי פעם בפעם להביט בכל פרטיותיהם. כי לא תהא מחלת הנפש פחותה ממחלת הגוף שחושב ומתבונן בה האיש תמיד ומטכס עצות איך ובמה לרפאותה. כן בחור ואברך כיון שכבר נתחזקה עכ״פ מעט מחשבתך וכבר יותר מעט בידך היא, לכן עיקר מחשבתך ובפרט בזמנים הפנוים לך תהא בך, לראות אף לתור אחר כל חסרוניך, ואף הקל שבהם לא יעלם מנגד עיני מחשבתך ותחקור למצא עצות איך ובמה לתקנם. והלא כמה פעמים כבר גמרת בלבך והחלטת שלא לעשות לדבר ולחשוב כזאת וכזאת ומ״מ שוב תעשה. אפשר איזה סבה טמונה בך שמגרה אותך לזה, חקור אחרי׳ אפשר כשתמצאנה תוכל לפעל מה כנגדה ורפא לך.
This “comfortable distance” is only for the sins that you have transgressed, but it is not for you other failings and character flaws, which need to be tackled more frequently. In order to correct and heal your flaws you must confront them with honesty and without deceiving yourself.303At times you may have to give yourself the “third degree,” meaning confronting your bad behavior with brutal honesty. The sickness of the soul should be no less crucial an agenda as the sickness of the body, but also needs constant attention and a thorough regiment of care in the quest for spiritual and behavioral health. Therefore, my dear Bachur and Avreich, since you have at least begun to strengthen your mind in the way of intense thought, then you should take your newly acquired abilities and direct them to your personal failings and character flaws. Don’t push aside even the slightest defects, but rather go deeply into all of them and find a viable way and concrete method with which to correct them. Haven’t you found yourself time and time again making resolutions to cease from doing this action or thinking this thought, only to soon find yourself doing and thinking it yet again? Perhaps deep inside yourself there is a hidden reason that causes you to do it. If you excavate your soul down to the bedrock, you may find that when the cause is discovered, you can take action against it and thereby heal yourself.
9
והעיקר שלא תרצה להצדיק עצמך ואת מעלליך בכל דבר, רק תביט עליהם כדיין אמת ותדאג הרבה על רעותיהם וחסרוניהם.
Most importantly, don’t try do justify your behavior all the time. Instead, look at your behavior like a true judge, and be greatly concerned about their evils and deficiencies.
10
היוצא לנו מזה ששלוש מצבי רוח יהיו לך,
In summary, we have provided you with three modalities for three different situations.
11
א) בשעת עוסקך בתורה תפילה ושאר עבודה למקום. בו לא תחשוב שום חשבון רק שמחה תשוקה ושאיפה לד׳, ועבודה בהתלהבות או התרגשות, ועכ״פ במסירת עצמך לתיבות התפילה ולהעבודה כפי שהבאנו לעיל מספ״ק.
The first is when you are engaged in the study of Torah, davening, or any other avodah for the Almighty. At these times you shouldn’t be making a cheshbon nefesh, but rather are encouraged to feel simchah, yearning, desire for God, hislahavus or hisragshus. At very least you should give yourself over to the words of the prayer and to the avodah in the ways that we have mentioned.
12
ב) בשעת חשבון הנפש, שמאוד תהי׳ אז בשברון רוח.
The second modality is at the time of a cheshbon nefesh, when your spirit is crushed within you.
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ג) תמיד, שלא בשעות של תורה ותפילה וגם שלא בשעות החשבון. אז תהא נכנע ענו ושפל ומ״מ בשמחה מתוך התחזקות תהי׳. תדע שהרבה חסרונים לך לתקנם ותחשוב איך ובמה לתקנם. ובד׳ תבטח כיון שאתה עושה ועובד לפי כחך, והרבה פעמים בהתאמצות יתירה אתה שקוע בתשובה ועבודה, לכן בזכות אבותינו וצדיקינו הקדושים יחונן האל חנון ורחום אותך ויקרבך בזה ובבא. אחת מנפלאות הבעש״ט תלמידיו ותלמידי תלמידיו זי״ע הוא, אשר חדשו והכניסו את שתיהן כאחת בלב הנוהים אחריהם, את הענוה והשפלות מאוד, יחד עם ההתחזקות והשמחה, והיא שמחה אמיתית שוש אשיש בד׳ תגיל נפשי באלקי. ד׳ הוא האלקים ואתה ישראל בנו רחימו ועבדו. חסרונותיך לא כהחסרונים אשר בבליעל משוקץ, המתגולל באשפה, רק כהחסרונים אשר בבן מלך, שתמיד בן מלך הוא, וכאשר רק יתאמץ בעבודת אביו, מי ידמה לו, ומי יערוך את רום ערכו ואת התקרבותו והתדבקותו באביו ובמלכו.
The third modality takes effect at every other time, not during times devoted to Torah or prayer, and not at times of a cheshbon nefesh. Then you are well to being subdued and humble as the dust, but nonetheless joyous, with strength of resolve and confidence. Know that you have many failings and think about how to fix them. Put your trust in God, since you are serving Him with all of your strength, and there are many times that you are immersed in teshuvah and avodah with maximum effort. This being so, in the merit of the Patriarchs and the Tsaddikim God will be merciful and gracious with you, bringing you close both now and in the future. One of the wonders of the Baal Shem Tov and his students, and his student’s students, is the novel concept that two divergent middos could be won by the heart that yearns for them – humility and meekness, together with confidence and joy, meaning true simchah, , “I shall greatly rejoice in God, my soul shall be joyful in Hashem.”304Yeshayahu, 61:10 Hashem is God, and you, Yisrael, are His son, His loved one, and His servant. Your deficiencies are not like the deficiencies of crude men, despicable rouges who might as well be rolling around in the garbage, but are like the deficiencies of the son of the king, where no matter what faults he has or mistakes he has made, he is still the son of the king. And when he only picks himself up and puts all of his heart and soul into serving his father, then to whom can he be compared and who can measure his awesome heights? When the prince gives himself over to the serving and honoring his father, then the intensity of his closeness and cleaving to his father the King is without end and without measure.
מעט חשבון הנפש
Soul Accounting
כל דברינו בכל הקונטרס גם כל החסידות יכולים להתקיים באיש שהוא ממארי דחושבנא, כי זהו יסוד העבודה בכלל ועבודת החסידות בפרט. הנה הבאנו לעיל מספה״ק שבשעת תורה ותפילה לא יעשה חשבונות, אבל רק בשעה זו לא יעשה החשבונות מפני שתורה תפילה ועבודה צריכות להיות בהתחזקות ושמחה, וזה א״א בשעה שמסתכל בראי׳ אמיתית ורואה את מצבו באמת. אבל כמו שא״א לתורה ותפילה בשעה אחת עם חשבון הנפש, כן א״א להן בלעדו לגמרי, היינו במי שאינו מסתכל בעצמו ואינו מכניע ומדכא את רוחו בשום פעם. לכן חוב על כל אחד לעשות לו זמנים להסתכלות הזאת. כפי שאיתא בספ״ק נוח לבחור ע״ז השעות שרוחו של האיש נדכא מאיזה דאגה אפילו גופניות ועניני צרכיו. ואם סתם יעיד לו איזה זמן לזה, יקדים מעת לעת למעט במאכל ומשתה, לא שיתענה רק שימעט בהם כדי שיהי׳ לבו נכנע ורוחו נדכא ומוכשר לראי׳ וחשבון הזה.
Everything we can know from the pages of this book, and everything we can learn and do from the teachings of Chassidus, can only be fully realized if we take a make a hard and honest account of our soul, called in Hebrew, a “cheshbon nefesh.” It is the foundation of avodah in general, and of the avodah of Chassidus in particular. First, let it be clear that at certain times, a cheshbon nefesh is not in your better interests. We already mentioned the problems involved in making a cheshbon nefesh while you are engaged in prayer or Torah study. Your feel your “best davening,” and your most lucid and insightful Torah study when you are in good spirits and in agreement with God’s desires (b’simchah),290And inversely, when you are making an account of your life, you are debating whether the expression of you personal wants are for or against God’s desires. Such conflicts result in anything from annoyance to melancholy. as well as when you are confident and resolved in your goals (b’hischazkus). It is impossible to feel such joy and confidence when you go deep inside and take an honest look at matters of the soul that you generally avoid. But just as you can’t learn or daven (simultaneously) with it, you also can’t learn or daven successfully without it. That is to say, a man who avoids looking at his true place in the world, bowing his head to the truth and breaking his heart over his own insincerity, cannot stand before God and speak or hear God’s word in the Torah. For this reason, man is required to take account of his soul from time to time. The holy masters have said that the best time for a cheshbon nefesh is when he is disturbed by some worry, or even in the midst of some physical or financial hardship. But if he is in a good, comfortable state of mind and body, and he just wants to incorporate a cheshbon nefesh into his avodah, then he should take care to eat and drink less. Not that he has to fast completely,291The Rebbe actually says that he should not fast. The way of Chassidus as taught by the Holy Baal Shem Tov is against fasting and mortification of the flesh, as the power of simchah is greater than the power of tears. Of course, sadness and depression are forces of evil that needs to be fought with bravery, but there is a great difference than a broken heart and depression. A man of feeling will need to learn how to use his sensitivity, his “broken heart,” or strife of the spirit in order to feel the world and thereby take charge of his life and soul. This cannot be done in the doldrums of hopelessness where a man relinquishes his confidence and, God forbid until the redemption, accept the evils that terrorize such hope. The Gemara tells us why we fast, the halacha teaches us when, and, somewhat, how to fast, but that is not enough. Chassidus, the inner, modern message which conveys the meaning of the Torah and halacha, shows us not just the dangers of fasting or eating, or just the way to be outwardly holy, but what a man can do with his avodah to find joy and solace within all of the overwhelming reality and “emes” that he confronts. In short, it confronts the onslaught of harsh reality and transforms it into a brave and honest expression of a devoted personality by resolving his conflicts about his avodah. All agree that the point of fasting is not to suffer for suffering’s sake, but an external avodah to awaken an inner change for the better. Here the Rebbe is simply adding to this that, yes, the main point is not the hunger, but the positive transformation that the hunger inspires, which is just not possible without a cheshbon nefesh.
Rav Shloimele Z”l once said in the name of the Rebbes, “On Tisha B’av we are so broken over the destruction of the Temple, who can eat? But on Yom Kippur, it is so awesome, mammash, (really) who needs to eat!” (Mammash means real. The usage, “awesome, mammash” can be understood as an intense feeling of the revelation of the soul.) but for a cheshbon nefesh, he needs to, at least, reach the point where his spirit and selfish desires are subdued so as to be in a willing state of mind to confront the truth.
ולא שיעשה את מעשהו בחפזון רק יחשוב בדעתו כאילו עומד עתה בגופו נפשו רוחו ונשמתו לדין, אך לא הבית דין של מעלה ידונו אותו עתה רק הוא עצמו. וע״י שירבה להסתכל בקרבו באמת ויכנע לפניו יתברך, יקל דינו בזה ובבא בבית דין של מעלה, כי ד׳ אומר הנני נשפט אותך על אומרך לא חטאתי, ולהיפך כשיש דין למטה אין דין למעלה.
Not a man in the midst of a cheshbon nefesh should do it in a rushed, off handed way. He should feel as if he is standing trial before the court. That is to say, he needs to reach a real awareness that his body, desires, and very soul292Nefesh, Ruach, and Neshama, deepening levels of soul. are all standing in judgment. They are not being judged by the Heavenly Court, but by man himself. The more honest he is in his introspection, and according to the degree to which he bows his head before the Almighty whose life is in His hands, the more the One who sits in Judgment will be lenient in His ruling. This is an explanation of what God meant when He said, “Behold I will bring you to judgment for saying, I have not sinned.”293Yirmiyahu, 2:35 Simply put, when there is judgment below, (and man is honest with himself and his relationship to God’s Law), then there is no judgment above, (for He will suspend the sentence.) 294In my ignorance of Divine court procedure, I ask myself, “could the sentence sometimes be suspended conditionally, and at other times unconditionally?” But regardless of Divine calculations that are hidden from us, it seems that God said to Yirmiyahu that if we claim our innocence, He will then not only have to punish us for negligent actions, but also for lying – to God and to ourselves. However, if we judge ourselves honesty, for better or worse, we know what is incumbent upon us to do, then the Merciful Judge will suspend judgment and give us time to make amends.
The man is taking a candid look at himself and asking himself certain questions. The proceedings of his own evaluation require that he first confronts and accepts his true feelings so as to gain a clear view of his merits and mistakes. He asks himself where he is standing with God. “I know we all accepted the Torah, and continue to do so in every generation, but what about me? Have God and I really come to an agreement concerning … ?” And if he feels he is at all negligent, then he needs humility and bravery. He needs the humility to bow his head before the Almighty One who gives him life and the bravery to take it upon himself to mend his ways.
If you consider the historical context, you can clearly see why the Rebbe was writing this book with such passion. It was and still is in order to save us from punishment.
ותחשוב מגדלות ד׳ יתברך שא״א לשום מלאך וכל שכן לשום איש להשיג, אבל גם הקומץ ומעט מן המעט אשר אתה יודע מגדלותו יתברך די לך להמק את לבך בתשובה לפניו יתברך. ובמחשבתך אשר נתחזקה חשוב את כל העולמות, הנה עולם העשי׳ עם כל נפלאותיו ועד רום השמים וצבאיו. ובדמיונך שנתעלה ונתקדש הוי מציץ אל על עולם היצירה עם מלאכיו, עולם הבריאה וכסאותיו, ועד עולם האצילות וספירותיו הקדושות. נשמות האבות הנביאים תנאים אמוראים בעלי קבלה וחסידות וכל הצדיקים. וכלם בטלים ומבוטלים אל האל הגדול והקדוש המרומם על כל ברכה ותהלה, ממלא כל עלמין וסובב כל עלמין אין סוף ואין תכלית עובדים אותו ושרים שירות ותשבחות לשמי׳ רבה, ורק אני הקטן שבקטנים הגרוע והאפס העזתי ח״ו לפרוק עולו מעלי ולמרוד בחטאותי נגדו יתברך. ואיך באמת העזתי כל כך נגדו יתברך, איך נגד כל צדיקיו חסידיו מלאכי ושרפי אל כל כך חצפתי.
Consider the greatness of God. It is impossible for man or even angels to fathom. But even if a grain of the knowledge of God’s greatness were to pass through your heart of stone for a fraction of a second, then if would be enough to melt it and return you to the fold before the Master of All.295As was noted above from the Besht, with the Eternal, the Infinite, if you hold on to a part, you are holding on the whole. Now that you have intensified your thoughts, apply your new found ability and contemplate all of the worlds, from the physical world (assiyah) and all of its wonders,296The Rambam similarly encourages us to study biology, physics, and astronomy, as a greater appreciation of the creation will increase our love and fear of the Creator. “From my flesh I shall see God.” The Baal Shem Tov was so divinely inspired that he could look at a table or cabinet and know what the carpenter was thinking while he was making it. We are far from such heights, but we are encouraged to follow the same techniques of deep contemplation and intense thought in applications suited to our own levels and abilities. to the heights of heaven and its host.297“Hevei Metsits,” means, take a glimpse. Both Shlomo haMelech (see next footnote below) and Chazal used this word for contemplation of hidden matters, which could include Maase Merkava and Maase bereshit. (The mysteries of Divine conduct and the mystery of Creation). If the chassid has come this far, applying all of the advice given, he is truly, “mevin m’daato,” a wise, intelligent person, a man dedicated to keeping the Torah, and most likely wears a beard and has a wife. He may not know all of the “eybayot of Abaye and Rava,” the Rambam’s colorful expression for being expert in the Gemara, but the important thing is that he truly wants to be and fixes times for Torah study. In short, if he wants to, he can learn Kaballah. The Rebbe, a faithful guide, has been preparing the chicks to fly from the nest, and learn to fly on their own. The Rebbe as an educator teaches the Chassid to soar in the mind and soul to the inner spaces and abstract realms, all the way to the world that flows forth from Endless Infininty. But beware, Four went in and only one came out in peace. (Chagigah, 14b) It is crucial to follow the advice provided in this book with great care, as its advice is for your own safety and well-being. If the advice in this book has been adequately applied up to this point, it seems that the Avreich is ready to begin introductory contemplation of Divine spaces. Take a glimpse298The Shir Hashirim says, “who is that standing behind our wall, glimpsing through the cracks.” The wall is the concealment of God’s presence and the concealment of the soul. God sees his servants who truly love and fear him “glimpsing” at what they largely cannot see. There is a way to truly to feel and see these worlds if we bear in mind that it is only an impression on our souls and minds in the lower realms that shows us what is going on above. beyond with your inspired and holy imagination. Envision the world of yetsirah (formation) and its angels, the world of beriyah (creation) and its heavenly thrones, up to the world of atsilus (emanation from the Infinite) and its holy sefiros. In these realms, the souls of the Patriarchs, the prophets, and the Sages, the masters of Kabbalah and Chassidus – all of the Tsaddikim – are all nullified in a state of holy bittul before the All-Powerful, the Holy and Exaulted One, the One above all blessing and praise, who fills all of the worlds and surrounds all of the worlds, the Eternal and the Endless. There they serve Him, singing praises to His great Name. And in contemplating this, I look at myself in relation to the holy souls and spaces. Even though I am the smallest of the small, I own up to my own impunity in throwing the yoke off of my neck and rebelling against His wishes. How could I have been so brazen, so unabashedly shameful as to do this before God’s presence, and before all of His Tsaddikim, holy souls, and holy angels?
ותעבור במחשבתך את חטאיך ומכשוליך מאז, אף את לשון הרע רכילות שפת שקר חנופה וכו׳ אשר אתה עובר. את מחשבותיך רצוניותיך הגרועים. גם תפילותיך ובילבוליך אשר במחשבתך בתפילה תעבור במחשבתך. וראה נא גם ראה את תקוני התשובה האמורים בכתבי האר״י הק׳ זצוק״ל, כמה תעניתים למאות צריכים להתענה על כל חטא ופשע. הן עתה בדורות חלשים האלו הקלו לנו הבעש״ט ושאר הצדיקים בהם, ולא עוד אלא שגם פעלו לנו תקונים ע״י תיקוני המדות תורה ותפילה בלב ונפש אהבה ויראה. אבל עכ״פ את דכאות ושברון הרוח ענוה ושפלות אשר פעלו התעניתים וסיגופים בבעלי התשובה אז, נחיצות גם לנו לתשובתנו.
Think about all of your mistakes and indiscretions, your abuses of the Law as well as your fellow man’s trust, your lashon ha’rah and your tale-bearing, your flattery and your lies. Think about your low thoughts and desires. Think about the jumble of thoughts messing up your tefillah.299Some examples might be blessing ha’eyts on a cookie, standing amidah saying birchat hamazon, or even carelessly slurring the words of the tefillah, or thinking about other matters during davening. Now turn to consider the numerous fasts that the Ari z”l proscribed as a rectification for transgressions, sometimes requiring hundreds of days of fasting.300The Rebbe Zts”l is referring to the Sha’ar Ruach HaKodesh of the Arizal, which prescribes a specific number of fast days for each transgression in question. Yet due to the weakness of our generation, the Baal Shem Tov and other Tsaddikim have been lenient with us, telling us that we don’t need to fast, but can do teshuvah by means of fixing our middos, learning, and davening with a full heart, a willing soul, with love, and with awe.301The Sefer Baal Shem Tov (a collection of the Besht’s teachings taken from 210 different Chasidishe sefarim) tells us that every time you immerse in the mikveh it is considered as if you had fasted. (This does not include waving your hand in and out of the water during one immersion, but that is just my opinion.) Another teaching tells us that the Chassidim of the Besht once asked him why he didn’t prescribe penitential fasts and mortifications of the flesh like the Tsaddikim of previous generations. He answered, “I came into the world to teach three kinds of love – the love of God, the love of Torah, and the love of the people Israel. With all of this love, who needs to fast!” We may not have to fast, but integral to our present teshuvah is the same nullification of ego and broken spirit that was part and parcel of the fasts of our predecessors.
וכה תתמרמר אף תבכה עד אשר תרגיש שבאמת שברה לבך ורוחך בקרבך. אמור תהלים ותתחנן ותבקש מן האל טוב וסלח שירחם עליך ולא ישליכך מעל פני קדושתו יתברך, רק יקרבך אליו ברחמים רבים. ואז תתחזק ותאמן שד׳ קיבל את תשובתך ויקרבך אליו, כמו שהבאנו לעיל מקדושינו שבשביל זה מברכים ברכה בשם ומלכות חנון המרבה לסלוח מפני שודאי הוא שיקבלנו בתשובה.
Brood and even cry in this way until you have truly broken your heart and your spirit within you. Say Tehillim. Beg God to be kind and forgiving, to be merciful with you. You cry out to Him and you say, “don’t to cast you away from Your holy presence, but rather bring me close to You.” Then make yourself strong and believe that God indeed accepts your teshuvah, and brings you close to Him. Earlier we explained that we are confident that God forgives us because the Law itself tells us to bless God as, “the merciful One who is great in forgiveness.” Surely He would not want us to say an unwarranted blessing, so it must be that He indeed forgives us.
אבל גם תמיד גם בימים ושעות שאינך חושב עם נפשך את חשבונה הנ״ל, גם אז לא תדמה בדעתך כי צדיק ונקי מכל פשע אתה, גם אז תזכור שהרבה חסרונים ופגמים במדותיך נטיותיך וכו׳ לתקנם. והחילוק הוא, שבשעת החשבון גם רעת חטאיך שכבר עברת הם נגד עיניך ממש ומתמרמר עליהם מאוד, ושלא בשעת החשבון, מחטאיך שכבר עברת, רק תדע, כמי שזוכר דבר מרחוק, ורק בכללם תדע אותם שחטאת, כדי להכנע, ולא לפרטיותיהם. וכמו שאיתא באגרות התשובה מהרב הק׳ זצוקל״ה י״א על הפסוק ״וחטאתי נגדי תמיד״, כמו ״ואתה תתיצב מנגד״, מנגד סביב לאוהל מועד יחנו שפרש״י מרחוק עיין שם. היינו שתמיד חטאתי נגדי תמיד רק מרחוק.
These are specific times that you have set aside for a particularly intense cheshbon nefesh, but at all other times, don’t fancy yourself a Tsaddik, clean from any hint of sin. Then, too, remember that you have many faults and character defects, and you need to take care of them. The difference between these two times is that at the time you have allocated for an intense cheshbon nefesh, the sins you have committed are right there before you, and you feel tremendous bitterness and regret over them. But at other times, you admit that you did them, but they don’t have the poignant immediacy that they do at the time of the cheshbon nefesh. You know in general that you made mistakes, and as you bow your head you admit that you have much to learn, but you don’t have to go into your mistakes with fine detail and cry over each one as you would in the midst of a cheshbon nefesh. The Iggeros HaTeshuvah of the first Lubavitcher Rebbe interprets the verse, “and my sin is before me always,” “before me, but separated by a distance.” The word in the Tehillim for “before me,” is, “negdi,” which also appears in the description of how the twelve tribes encamped around the Tabernacle in the wilderness, “they shall camp far (mineged) from the tent of meeting.”302Bamidbar, 2:2 see Rashi. The point is that although one always needs to be aware of his sins, still, they are to be kept at a reasonable distance except at a time of cheshbon nefesh.
אבל זהו רק לענין החטאים שעברת, משא״כ לפגמיך וחסרונותיך אשר במדותיך ונטיותיך שעליך להיטיבם לרפאותם ולתקנם צריך אתה ליתן לב, לפעמים יותר תכופות, ומדי פעם בפעם להביט בכל פרטיותיהם. כי לא תהא מחלת הנפש פחותה ממחלת הגוף שחושב ומתבונן בה האיש תמיד ומטכס עצות איך ובמה לרפאותה. כן בחור ואברך כיון שכבר נתחזקה עכ״פ מעט מחשבתך וכבר יותר מעט בידך היא, לכן עיקר מחשבתך ובפרט בזמנים הפנוים לך תהא בך, לראות אף לתור אחר כל חסרוניך, ואף הקל שבהם לא יעלם מנגד עיני מחשבתך ותחקור למצא עצות איך ובמה לתקנם. והלא כמה פעמים כבר גמרת בלבך והחלטת שלא לעשות לדבר ולחשוב כזאת וכזאת ומ״מ שוב תעשה. אפשר איזה סבה טמונה בך שמגרה אותך לזה, חקור אחרי׳ אפשר כשתמצאנה תוכל לפעל מה כנגדה ורפא לך.
This “comfortable distance” is only for the sins that you have transgressed, but it is not for you other failings and character flaws, which need to be tackled more frequently. In order to correct and heal your flaws you must confront them with honesty and without deceiving yourself.303At times you may have to give yourself the “third degree,” meaning confronting your bad behavior with brutal honesty. The sickness of the soul should be no less crucial an agenda as the sickness of the body, but also needs constant attention and a thorough regiment of care in the quest for spiritual and behavioral health. Therefore, my dear Bachur and Avreich, since you have at least begun to strengthen your mind in the way of intense thought, then you should take your newly acquired abilities and direct them to your personal failings and character flaws. Don’t push aside even the slightest defects, but rather go deeply into all of them and find a viable way and concrete method with which to correct them. Haven’t you found yourself time and time again making resolutions to cease from doing this action or thinking this thought, only to soon find yourself doing and thinking it yet again? Perhaps deep inside yourself there is a hidden reason that causes you to do it. If you excavate your soul down to the bedrock, you may find that when the cause is discovered, you can take action against it and thereby heal yourself.
והעיקר שלא תרצה להצדיק עצמך ואת מעלליך בכל דבר, רק תביט עליהם כדיין אמת ותדאג הרבה על רעותיהם וחסרוניהם.
Most importantly, don’t try do justify your behavior all the time. Instead, look at your behavior like a true judge, and be greatly concerned about their evils and deficiencies.
היוצא לנו מזה ששלוש מצבי רוח יהיו לך,
In summary, we have provided you with three modalities for three different situations.
א) בשעת עוסקך בתורה תפילה ושאר עבודה למקום. בו לא תחשוב שום חשבון רק שמחה תשוקה ושאיפה לד׳, ועבודה בהתלהבות או התרגשות, ועכ״פ במסירת עצמך לתיבות התפילה ולהעבודה כפי שהבאנו לעיל מספ״ק.
The first is when you are engaged in the study of Torah, davening, or any other avodah for the Almighty. At these times you shouldn’t be making a cheshbon nefesh, but rather are encouraged to feel simchah, yearning, desire for God, hislahavus or hisragshus. At very least you should give yourself over to the words of the prayer and to the avodah in the ways that we have mentioned.
ב) בשעת חשבון הנפש, שמאוד תהי׳ אז בשברון רוח.
The second modality is at the time of a cheshbon nefesh, when your spirit is crushed within you.
ג) תמיד, שלא בשעות של תורה ותפילה וגם שלא בשעות החשבון. אז תהא נכנע ענו ושפל ומ״מ בשמחה מתוך התחזקות תהי׳. תדע שהרבה חסרונים לך לתקנם ותחשוב איך ובמה לתקנם. ובד׳ תבטח כיון שאתה עושה ועובד לפי כחך, והרבה פעמים בהתאמצות יתירה אתה שקוע בתשובה ועבודה, לכן בזכות אבותינו וצדיקינו הקדושים יחונן האל חנון ורחום אותך ויקרבך בזה ובבא. אחת מנפלאות הבעש״ט תלמידיו ותלמידי תלמידיו זי״ע הוא, אשר חדשו והכניסו את שתיהן כאחת בלב הנוהים אחריהם, את הענוה והשפלות מאוד, יחד עם ההתחזקות והשמחה, והיא שמחה אמיתית שוש אשיש בד׳ תגיל נפשי באלקי. ד׳ הוא האלקים ואתה ישראל בנו רחימו ועבדו. חסרונותיך לא כהחסרונים אשר בבליעל משוקץ, המתגולל באשפה, רק כהחסרונים אשר בבן מלך, שתמיד בן מלך הוא, וכאשר רק יתאמץ בעבודת אביו, מי ידמה לו, ומי יערוך את רום ערכו ואת התקרבותו והתדבקותו באביו ובמלכו.
The third modality takes effect at every other time, not during times devoted to Torah or prayer, and not at times of a cheshbon nefesh. Then you are well to being subdued and humble as the dust, but nonetheless joyous, with strength of resolve and confidence. Know that you have many failings and think about how to fix them. Put your trust in God, since you are serving Him with all of your strength, and there are many times that you are immersed in teshuvah and avodah with maximum effort. This being so, in the merit of the Patriarchs and the Tsaddikim God will be merciful and gracious with you, bringing you close both now and in the future. One of the wonders of the Baal Shem Tov and his students, and his student’s students, is the novel concept that two divergent middos could be won by the heart that yearns for them – humility and meekness, together with confidence and joy, meaning true simchah, , “I shall greatly rejoice in God, my soul shall be joyful in Hashem.”304Yeshayahu, 61:10 Hashem is God, and you, Yisrael, are His son, His loved one, and His servant. Your deficiencies are not like the deficiencies of crude men, despicable rouges who might as well be rolling around in the garbage, but are like the deficiencies of the son of the king, where no matter what faults he has or mistakes he has made, he is still the son of the king. And when he only picks himself up and puts all of his heart and soul into serving his father, then to whom can he be compared and who can measure his awesome heights? When the prince gives himself over to the serving and honoring his father, then the intensity of his closeness and cleaving to his father the King is without end and without measure.